MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL/WHO MADE THE WORST SNOW WHITE FILM OF ALL?

3 Jun

1. Snow White & The Huntsman/U            Wknd/$   56.3           Total/$  56.3

2. MIB 3/Sony                                                Wknd/$   29.3           Total/$ 112.3

3. The Avengers/Disney                               Wknd/$   20.3           Total/$ 552.7

4. Battleship/Universal                                Wknd/$    4.8            Total/$  55.1

5. The Dictator/Paramount                         Wknd/$    4.7            Total/$  50.8

6. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel/Fox    Wknd/$    4.6            Total/$  25.5

7. What To Expect When…/LGF                Wknd/$    4.4            Total/$  30.7

8. Dark Shadows/Warners                          Wknd/$    3.9            Total/$  70.8

9. Chernobyl Diaries/Warner                      Wknd/$    3.0            Total/$   14.4

10. For Greater Glory/Arc                            Wknd/$    1.8            Total/$    1.8

YOU’RE NEXT, SLEEPING BEAUTY

Snow White & The Huntsman opens at number one, which is good because it shows that a female themed and lead action/fantasy movie can do well.  The downside is that it sucks and will drop like a rock next week resulting in the impression that a female themed and lead action/fantasy film can’t do well.  Nice production design, beautiful costumes (Academy Award Winner, Colleen Atwood), solid cast (Kristen Stewart not withstanding) and a decent premise are all ultimately wasted thanks to listless direction and a weak script.  That the Evil Queen is so because she herself was a victim of the way men treated her for her beauty is a great jumping off point, but they ultimately do nothing with it.  If you’re gonna tell a feminist Snow White story, then fucking tell a feminist Snow White story!  That there’s a scene with an entire village of women who have scarred themselves and their daughters because The Evil Queen literally sucks it out of beautiful women suggests that’s exactly what they were going to do.  Instead they wussed out because they were clearly afraid of scaring off the frank & beans in the audience.  Then there’s the abandonment of logic.  Don’t have Charlize Theron keep Kristen Stewart alive “just because.” That doesn’t make a lick of fucking sense to a kingdom you’ve taken by force. So long as a legitimate heir lives she’s a threat.  It would make more sense if The Evil Queen had kept her alive because she either needed her to convince the people she had a legitimate claim or better yet saw a kindred spirit in her and wanted to make Snow White like herself and tried to fill her with a hatred and mistrust of men.  And she would do this against the advice of the Mirror who has foretold her fate should Snow White live.  This way you have an actual multi-faceted villain instead of a flat 2D one.  Also, maybe some of her lessons actually affected Snow White so she doesn’t fully trust The Huntsman giving them a genuinely antagonistic relationship instead of the faux one they have here.  When he tells her she’s given him nothing but trouble it makes no sense as she does pretty much everything he says.  They also fail in the basic story of Snow White, in that she lives with the Dwarves for an extended period of time.  Here, the dwarves (played by a who’s who of crusty old English character actors) are warriors so it would make sense that after a few years with them and The Hunstman she’d learned to a) trust men and b) become an actual leader and warrior which she isn’t but we’re supposed to believe she has become both after just a few days, delivering perhaps the worst inspirational speech in the history of film.  I know this was rushed to compete with the other Snow White film, Mirror Mirror, but that’s still no excuse not to have seen the glaring flaws therein.

RULE#1: BLONDES RULE. RULE #2: BOOBS RULE MORE THAN BLONDES

Men In Black 3 is down to number two and this is missing the one thing from the first that managed to actually be funny in the second movie: David Cross (the pug was only funny in the first movie).  He was the morgue clerk in the first film and the video clerk in the second.  Apparently both he and Rip Torn were given the brush off for this.  Yes, Zed is also not a part of this, his character being killed off and replaced by Emma Thompson, as “OO” who is played by Alice Eve in the 1967 sequences.  If I were Emma Thompson I’d be offended if I’m supposed to be considered the same age as fucking Tommy Lee Jones, who looks a thousand here.  Granted, there’s a joke about how the job has aged his character prematurely, but she’s supposed to be in her 60’s!  Alice Eve doesn’t care because after premature announcements as the “New Hot Young Thing” this is her first hit after a number of disappointments, including She’s Out of My League, Sex & The City 2 (she was the braless nanny) and most recently The Raven.  She’s even going to be in the Star Trek sequel (thank god there’s no Moneypenny in the new Bond films or she’d probably be playing her too), so she’s clearly got the hardest working agent in show business..…or maybe if you’re blonde, pretty with a big, real rack you get more chances than others.  Nah, that couldn’t be it.

HE’S IN A LOT OF MUTHAFUCKIN’ MOVIES

The Avengers is down to number three and this isn’t the first time the cast has met one another.  Jeremy Renner was in S.W.A.T with Samuel L. Jackson and Chris Evans was in The Nanny Diaries with Scarlett Johansson.  What does this mean?  It means the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon gets easier every day and honestly should be changed to The Six Degrees of Samuel L. Jackson and possibly reduced to Three or Four Degrees.

PROVING MY POINT

Battleship is down to number four and also in this is Tadanobu Asano, who was Hogun in Thor with Chris Hemsworth who is in The Avengers with Samuel L. Jackson?  See what I’m saying?  And Asano really doesn’t care one way or another how much this tanks in America because in Japan he’s like Johnny Depp.  Not to mention overseas this dungheap of a film is actually doing well, so it’s not hurting him in that respect either.

BEEFCAKE! BEEFCAKE!

The Dictator is down to number five, followed by The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at number six and What To Expect When You’re Expecting at number seven and they seriously hedged their bets with this by not only stocking it with A, B and C list female stars, but every hot dude with a day off.  We have everything from the mature in Dennis Quaid to the teen thrill in Chace Crawford.  In between are Matthew Morrison from Glee, Rodrigo Santoro (who will forever be the hot guy Laura Linney didn’t get to bone in Love Always) and Joe Manganiello from True Blood.  Chris Rock is here too, but he’s one of “the dads” who’s here for comic relief because Chris Rock remains the only person who wants to see Chris Rock hook up onscreen.

WHAT OTHER EARLY 70’S CHARACTERS CAN WE RUIN?

Dark Shadows is down to number eight and once again overseas box office is making sure shit floats.  This is has made $120M internationally bringing the total to $191, making it very close to being profitable even before the home markets which is amazing, sad and ultimately horrible because it means Tim Burton and Johnny Depp will continue their love affair with make-up and eccentric characters over actual storytelling.

SPOILER ALERT!

There may be some of you strange enough to want to see the #9 movie, Chernobyl Diaries, so if that’s the case skip this paragraph….  Still here?  Okay.  Now, I read the Moviespoiler.com summary of this movie and really, who the fuck are you people who like it when the monsters kill everyone?  The only thing I want to see less than a horror movie is one where everybody dies and everybody dies in this at the hands of the flesh-eating mutants.  Who really likes that kind of darkness in their movie-going?  I need monsters to die at the end, period.  I can get bleak shit here in my real life.  I don’t need mutated Russian cannibals killing everyone onscreen when I’ve got the Russian Mob on Brighton Beach doing whatever the fuck it wants.  Now that’s scary.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

For Greater Glory opens at number ten and you’ll never hear about this movie again so pay attention.  This is about the Cristeros War in Mexico where the government was atheistic and actually came down on the Catholics which makes me wonder why it wasn’t called the War of Consummate Irony given how they’d done it to pretty much everyone else on the planet.  But seriously, fighting religion in a Catholic country makes about as much sense as fighting rain in a rainstorm and that it lasted even a day much less years is amazing.  Equally amazing is that this movie is even in the top ten because the last time anyone paid to see Andy Garcia, he was helping to destroy The Godfather. Since then he makes a buck getting punked by George Clooney. I can’t feel bad for him because he’s out of his mind and my tolerance for crazy people ended long ago.  Now, to see him here and actually a guest star on George Lopez’s sitcom makes me smile.  Also in this are Eva Longoria, Nestor Carbonell, Ruben Blades and every other Latin actor with a day off.  Tomorrow they’ll be back as “Latina Hottie” “White Guy’s Partner” and “Drug Kingpin.”

YOU WEAR IT WELL

So my fashion documentary viewing (Bill Cunningham’s New York, The September Issue) continues with Valentino: The Last Emperor, chronicling the 45th Anniversary and what ultimately turned out to be the last show of the famous designer.  But it’s as much about his partner, Giancarlo Giammetti who has handled the business end of the empire as well as seeing to the needs of its creative namesake.  I never knew Italians actually said “Mama mia” until hearing him sigh it for the umpteenth time after trying to reassure or placate Valentino.  Ultimately what ends Valentino’s career isn’t merely time but the changing times.  A subplot is the corporation that bought Valentino trying to inflict their will upon him, making it clearly they consider Valentino replicable at Valentino.  Giammetti explains the business was built of making and selling dresses, but no longer.  Now it’s the licensing of the name on other products that makes the money.  It’s the cache of the name from making the glamorous dresses that sells not the clothing itself and you get the definite feeling the corporate overlords were looking to have him making low-end dresses for Target, which is unthinkable for a man whose work was hand-fucking-made up until the end.  Giammetti flat out says about the president of the corporation that owns Valentino, “I like him, I consider him a friend, but what he thinks means nothing.” In the end that company sells Valentino to yet another, bigger corporation and rather than continue fighting these assholes, Valentino and Gianetti wisely decide to call it a day.  Honestly, there’s an air of sadness and finality about all the fashion movies as if an era has ended or is ending.  Fashion simply makes too much money to be left in the hands of women or those who love it for the sake of fashion.  The moneymen come in, promise support with no interference and are lying through their teeth.  Designers who know nothing about business are happy to turn it over to someone who does and then are shocked when they’re ousted because they won’t put their name on socks they didn’t make for some extra loot.  When you don’t create anything you don’t understand those who do and think they’re crazy for caring about it.  Whoa. Where’d that rant come from?  Anyway, Anna Wintour is also in this and given I’ve got two more to go, I’m hoping she’ll go 5-for-5.

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