NOT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

6 May

1. The Avengers/Disney                              Wknd/$200.3            Total/$200.3

2. Think Like a Man/SGem                        Wknd/$   8.0             Total/$  73.0

3. The Hunger Games/LionsGate             Wknd/$    5.7             Total/$ 380.7

4. The Lucky One/Warners                        Wknd?$    5.5             Total/$  47.9

5. The Pirates! Band of Misfits/Sony       Wknd/$    5.4             Total/$   18.6

6. The 5 Year Engagement/Universal      Wknd/$    5.1             Total/$   11.2

8. Safe/Lion’s Gate                                       Wknd/$    2.5            Total/$   12.8

7. The Raven/Relativity                               Wknd/$    2.5            Total/$   12.0

9. Chimpanzee/Disney                                 Wknd/$    2.4            Total/$   23.0

10. The Three Stooges/Fox                           Wknd/$    1.8            Total/$   39.6

AKA, IRON MAN PT 6.

The Avengers opens up at number one and this is the end result of an effort that first began four years ago with Iron Man when Agent Coulson of  SHIELD appeared and Nick Fury popped up in a post-credits scene to discuss “The Avengers Initiative.” That same summer, Tony Stark also appeared in a post-credit scene in The Incredible Hulk and just last year Agent Coulson and Nick Fury again appeared in Thor and Nick Fury did his final post credit scene in Captain America.  All of that has led to this and…it’s not bad. Sorry, I can’t be a spewing geek like all the rest, but I’m still a little resentful that some of the previous movies were flat out sacrificed to build up to this (Captain America and Thor are little more than prequels).  And when all is said and done a lot of it is as calculated as that build up.  That Joss Whedon did this well certainly amazing and in just a few scenes makes a better Hulk movie than Ang Lee and…whoever-the-hell-that-guy-was did in two, but far too many scenes are “Let’s set this up” none as painful as “This is the scene where we set up Captain America as a leader” which frankly doesn’t ring true since Chris Evans lacks the gravitas needed for that position, though he does get the earnestness down pat. Also forced is the infamous bickering that was part and parcel of The Avengers, which made them more human than say, the perfect “we-do-all-just-get-along” Justice League of America (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc) that The Avengers were basically ripping off by the admission of Stan Lee himself.  Straight arrow Captain America conflicts with the morally flexible (by comparison) Iron Man. Demi-god Thor won’t be held accountable by any mortal and The Hulk…well, he hates everyone (missing from this movie are original Avengers Ant-Man and The Wasp and instead have Hawkeye and The Black Widow because it’s also based on a cynical version of The Avengers called The Ultimates). In this movie it’s a painfully long scene to make sure even the morons “get it” and movies shouldn’t be written for morons, even those based on comic books.  You didn’t see The X-Men beating you over the head with mutants being allegories for racism.  Also the plot mysteriously revolves around Loki needing to destroy The Avengers which makes no sense given they don’t exist yet.  In the comics Loki is the reason they come together.  Here they also come together because of him but apparently he’s got a plan to defeat them even before they do so?  Huh?  But no one is here for a plot. Not really.  You’re here to see a big superhero battle and you get it.  You even get then comic book standard of good guys fighting each other before they realize they’re friends.  But even that’s flawed as arrows and really hard punches can defeat the invading aliens. Given the conventional might of humans works why do we need The Avengers?  And why mysteriously do all the agents of SHIELD not show up for the final battle against the invaders?  All we see are some cops and get a one liner about how long it’s going to take the army to get there, which rings false for New Yorkers who see military men with machine guns on the street on a regular basis.  I won’t even get into how it’s impossible to be as cavalier seeing buildings destroyed in NYC as it was pre 9/11.  But overall the movie works when history has shown us the capacity for failure grossly outweighs the potential for success, especially given the many moving parts.

 

MORE PEOPLE LIKE CHOCOLATE THAN CARAMEL

Think Like A Man is down to number two and the person benefitting the most from this other than Steve Harvey (and Steve Harvey’s accountants) is Michael Ealy, who has been bubbling under as the next Black Leading Man for years now, but I’m gonna be real for a moment and say it: Hollywood, America and Black people like their Black Leading Men dark as much as they like their Black Leading Women light, which is why for the last decade it’s been Halle Berry (for whom Ealy was once the love interest) and Denzel Washington.  This is why as pretty as Shemar Moore is, he never was as successful as Taye Diggs, why Terrence Howard could never really supplant Denzel despite an Oscar nomination and probably why Michael Ealy has taken so long.  But between this and the new TV show on USA where he’s an actual lead it may finally happen.

 

CAIN AND WHATSHISNAME

The Hunger Games holds at number three giving us two Hemsworth brothers in the top ten, but Chris far ahead in The Avengers than Liam here.

 

ALWAYS USE A CONDOM, KIDS. EVEN WITH SUPERMODELS.

The Lucky One holds at number four, followed by Pirates: Band of Misfits at number five and let’s count down the actual stars who did this.  Hugh Grant who’s never done the family thing before, but recently became a father (aka, stupidly raw-dogged it with a half-his-age golddigger) probably did it for his new child, but he’s followed by an impressive amount of Brit talent who probably relished the idea of working with the people behind Wallace & Gromit.  Imelda Stanton, David Tennant, Brian Blessed Martin Freeman and Brendan Gleeson are all here alongside the less-than-impressive American contributions like Jeremy Piven and…Al Roker??? Seriously?

 

THAT OSCAR NOMINATION AND $2.25 WILL GET YOU ON THE SUBWAY.

The Five Year Engagement is down to number six and Emily Blunt was originally supposed to be The Black Widow.  Think she’s regretting that decision right about now? I know her agents and accountants do.

 

BREASTS. THAT IS ALL

The Raven is down to number seven and whaddya know?  Brendan Gleeson is here too, but who we’re really talking about is Alice Eve, a would-be “hot girl of the moment” who really isn’t but they’re trying because she’s skinny, blonde and has big, REAL, boobs, which may have been the most interesting part of Sex & The City 2 (she was the nanny).  And if you don’t think it doesn’t matter in this world of fake ones take note of how you think of Pamela Anderson vs. Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Yeah, exactly.  Real ones still rule and will get you somewhere especially if you have a modicum of talent and personality.  They’ve kept Alice Eve working in a series of high profile disappointments.  I mean she made a movie with Harrison Ford that was barely released before going straight-to-video, while the failure She’s Out of My League was widely released.  You know who she is but not until someone like me points it out to you and a lot has to do with her boobs being real as opposed to thousands of fakes.  It’s like a Rolex: you can buy a fake one for $10 off the street, but a real one is what everyone really wants.

 

THE END

Safe is down to number eight, followed Chimpanzee at number nine and The Three Stooges wrapping it up at number ten.

 

ACTUALLY MANY, MANY TREES GROW IN BROOKLYN

This weekend in I took a break from the steel and concrete of the city in the light and the dark and instead went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with a friend to photograph living things.  Of course the day I went it was overcast and gray, but ironically that only made the colors stand out more given they didn’t have the sky to compete with.  Even more ironic, my favorite shots had nothing to do with flowers but oddly plants.  And some dude on his laptop in the Japanese.  Probably working on that same novel he’s been tinkering with for 20 years, while pleading with his wife to let him quit his job so he can be the writer he was meant to be.  Hang on to the dream, brother.

Advertisements

One Response to “NOT THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA”

  1. Jean May 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    This is the Suzanne Vega I wish to commit to memory as opposed to the woman who walked into my editorial office to do the VO for a supermarket chain or the woman I saw in Bermuda at the fancy hotel where we were staying, looking bored while eating a meal with her current husband (an old unkempt looking guy) and his teen daughters.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: