IS IT SAFE?

13 Feb

 

1. The Vow/ScreenGems                                    Wknd/$  41.7            Total/$   41.7

 2. Safe House/Universal                                    Wknd/$  39.3            Total/$   39.3

 3. Journey 2: Mysterious Island/WB              Wknd/$  27.6            Total/$   27.6

 4. Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom..                  Wknd/$  23.0            Total/$   23.0

 5. Chronicle/Fox                                                  Wknd/$  12.3            Total/$   40.2

 6. The Woman In Black/CBS                            Wknd/$  10.3            Total/$   35.5

 7. The Grey/Open Road                                     Wknd/$    5.1             Total/$   42.8

 8. Big Miracle/Universal                                    Wknd/$    3.9            Total/$    13.2

 9. The Descendants/FoxSearch                        Wknd/$    3.5            Total/$    70.7

10. Underworld Awakening/SG                        Wknd/$    2.5            Total/$    58.9

 

I’M THINKING OAK. MAPLE HAS TOO MUCH PERSONALITY

The Vow opens at number one and while I loves me some Rachel McAdams and sat through The Notebook for her, it’s not an experience I’m going to repeat with any more of Nicholas Adams’s crap.  Even though there’s clearly going to be shots of her foine ass in little boy-short panties, it’s still not enough.  And Channing Tatum?  Seriously?  Why not stick a big block of wood there and have her talk to it. It won’t be a bit different.

 

THE BOURNE IMITATION

Safe House opens at number two and once again we have less-talented people looking at something like the Bourne movies and thinking, “I could do that.” No. No, you can’t.  I’ll give them credit for casting though.  Any of their replacements could have played the roles they’re copying, no problem.  They have Vera Farmiga in the Joan Allen role; Brendan Gleeson in the Brian Cox role and Sam Shepard in the Scott Glenn role.  That’s pretty damn good. Bourne himself is split between Denzel and Ryan Reynolds.  Now the commercials and trailer lead you to believe Denzel Washington is playing an incredibly manipulative CIA agent and the movie will be filled with all sorts of twists and turns.  Wish I could have seen that movie, because beyond one moment between Denzel and the T-1000 (also known as Robert Patrick), it’s just him running, shooting and beating people up. Not that I mind running, shooting and beating people up. It’s just not the movie I paid to see and not even the movie the movie says it’s about.  Within the actual context of the film we’re set up for Denzel being some kind of brilliant mastermind, but basically Ryan Reynolds is smart enough to track him down.  Ryan Reynolds!!!  The fact that Reynolds is here means that Denzel is deep in the “Sean Connery” phase of his career when he needs someone young to bring in people who weren’t even born when he first became a star.  Last time it was Chris Pine, now it’s another bland actor who could never carry a big film on his own…the way Reynolds can’t and people are slowly beginning to realize.  He’s basically a straight man to someone with actual appeal. Last time it was Sandra Bullock, which is why that is the biggest hit he’s ever had. The potential this movie had to be something better is actually summed up by one of the actors in the climatic scene where he says he hope Reynolds learned something because the character Denzel played was supposedly so unique—except he wasn’t.

 

SOMEONE HIDE THE NOVELS OF HG WELLES!

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island opens at number three and is there more a more unlikely franchise or star than Jules Verne novels and the kid who was in Journey to the Center of the Earth? No, I’m not kidding. That horrible movie did so well, they not only decided that another Jules Verne novel would be made into its “sequel” but decided the kid, not Brendan Fraser was the key component.  The irony is The Mysterious Island was actually a sequel of sorts…but to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea as Captain Nemo was in both.  Not Journey To The Center of the Earth.  Wonder how they’re going to work this dumbass kid into Around The World in 80 Days or From The Earth to The Moon?  Actually, I don’t wonder or care about it at all.

 

MERCY KILLING

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace opens at number four and I suppose it’s a good thing it didn’t open at number one, but we’re still going to have to kill George Lucas or he’s going to keep trashing his greatest work with very new piece of technology that comes down the pike.

 

CHRONICLE 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS

Chronicle is down to number five and this only cost $12M but has already made $63M worldwide, so you can expect an incredibly inferior sequel from people who had absolutely nothing to do with the original and in ten years one of the actors whose career went no where will be arrested for deal pot.

 

NEVER SMOKE IT UP THEN PLAN A MOVIE

The Woman In Black is down to number six, followed by The Grey at number seven and Big Miracle at number eight and clearly when Drew Barrymore decided to make this (she’s also a producer) it was clearly after a night of getting high and watching Star Trek 4 thinking she was going to get some of that success. Those funny lights weren’t because you were wasted, Drew. They were spaceships and you forgot them.

 

BECAUSE KATE BECKINSALE’S ASS IN RUBBER ISN’T ALWAYS ENOUGH

The Descendants is down to number nine with Underworld: The Awakening closing out the top ten at ten and this was the most expensive Underworld to date, suggesting the producers don’t understand why this franchise has remained profitable: it didn’t cost anything!  This is why it may ultimately have the biggest gross of the franchise, but will be the least profitable. And I’m kinda glad because creator Kevin Grieroux (who also played Rage, the only black man in Eastern Europe in the Middle Ages) isn’t part of it like he should be. Can you believe he also has a degree in microbiology?

 

AND DID I MENTION DEBRA MESSING?

New TV shows still keep rolling out which makes me happy and this time it was the long-hyped Smash about the making of a Broadway musical.  While I’m no fan of either Broadway or musicals it has many of the things I like: it’s not depressing, New York City looks great, Debra Messing, New York City looks great and Debra Messing. And the music wasn’t bad. I actually sat through every song. What I couldn’t get through were the ham-fisted saccharine moments, like when the assistant who screwed up tells the two songwriters he works for the story of how much he loves musical theater and was happy to just be working backstage on one in high school.  Of course it was a musical they wrote.  Fast-forward…  But I like that New York, looks like New York. A lower level, working actress has a kitchen that she can only fit in alone, while a successful songwriter has something larger and a successful film and theatrical director has cavernous duplex.  I never watch American Idol so even though everyone rightfully mocked the ad campaign “introducing” Katherine McPhee, this actually is my introduction to her. All I knew before this was she was kinda hot, she lost and she married an old guy.  It seems to have worked out for her.  He went nowhere and she’s working on a show produced by Steve Spielberg.

 

I DID TRY…KINDA…OKAY, NOT REALLY

I Just Want My Pants back started officially and this is my guilty pleasure. Again, it’s actually filmed in NYC (albeit Williamsburg, Brooklyn) and I’m enjoying seeing what I was supposed to do when I was young here.  Meaning go out, have fun with friends and get laid.

 

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR

I always watch the Grammys after the fact so I can fast forward through all the commercials and talking.  This particular year takes on a new  “must-see” air thanks to the death of Whitney Houston. I was going to call it “untimely” but is it really?…while everyone else is thinking of her I’m sure Bruce misses Clarence Clemmons who died last year…LL Kool J, I ‘m going to skip your prayer and pretty much everything you say…I’m still waiting for Bruno Mars to be acknowledged as part of a bastard lineage of Sammy Davis Jr.  And my tolerance for retro-stylings decreases the older I get…Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt do a little Etta James and it ain’t bad.  Thankfully it wasn’t given to people who would “over-wail” like Christina Aguilera or Mariah Carey…and Adele wins.  Gee, think this is going to happen all night long?…so skipping Chris Brown…what the fuck is Fergie wearing?…a country artist so you know I’m fast-forwarding through this…The Foo Fighters is one of those bands I want to like more than I actually do…Rhianna and Coldplay? Um, okay. I don’t hate Coldplay the way everyone seems to because I’m not a hipster poseur and I actually enjoyed her with them more than I enjoyed her big dance number, but their song is typically Coldplay. They are to Radiohead what When Harry Met Sally is to Annie Hall…either Pauley Paulette is seriously tall or those guys are short for football players…I think The Beach Boys don’t get their due because they were ugly and looked dorky, while The Beatles looked great. And if you want to honor The Beach Boys get someone who can actually sing those glorious harmonies, not Adam Levine. Foster The People does a much better job because they don’t even try. And watching the remaining Beach Boys try to do it is like watching what was left of The Who at the Super Bowl last year.  Just sad and we should stop trotting them out and having our hearts broken about the cruelty of the passage of time…Stevie Wonder—who was arrested once for assaulting his wife—introducing the god himself, Paul McCartney.  Wow. Joe Walsh aged pretty well. He even kept his hair.  Paul, why are you doing the Rod Stewart bit of standards?…Chris Brown? Again? Seriously?  Aside from being a scumbag, he sucks and always has and I never understood his success…though I don’t care for country I can’t deny The Civil Wars are pretty good.  Does Taylor Swift have enough self-awareness to realize they utterly eclipse her and how ridiculous it is they’ll never be a tenth as successful?  I don’t think so either…I don’t think Katy Perry has ever made a song that didn’t remind me of something from the 80’s, but this one actually sounds like those teenage Russian girls who worse schoolgirl uniforms from the 90’s.  Lana Del Ray, this is why people hated you. You didn’t put on anything close to a performance, much less a show. I don’t like Katy Perry, but I’m not fast-forwarding and I liked the “technical difficulties” fake out…of course Gwyneth is here. Her husband is working…Adele. Go ‘head, girl…normally, I’d fast forward, but it’s Glenn Campbell and that supersedes everything, but I’m surprised he didn’t perform with The Beach Boys.  Then again, I’m amazed he’s performing at all.  He’s got Alzheimer’s or didn’t you know?…sorry, but Carrie Underwood has no business near Tony Bennett. Why isn’t GaGa doing her number with him?….The Death Roll.  Damn I forgot Andrew Gold died.  “Lonely Boy” is just as good as 70’s AM rock gets. Where the fuck is Don Cornelius!?!…Jennifer Hudson commits Whitney Huston’s sin of torturing Dolly Parton’s great song. Never liked that rendition and still don’t… Oh, so if you’re mentioned like Etta James and Don Cornelius, you don’t get a mention in the Death Roll?…why the fuck is Chris Brown all over this!?!  Fast Forwarding….Foo Fighters are back? In the dance portion? Um, okay….I cannot believe Disney hasn’t sued Deadmous5 yet…Nikki Minaj.  I love that she’s so over-the-fucking-top.  And now she’s continued the proud tradition started by Madonna of giving the Catholic Church something to bitch about…Miss Ross, you’ve more money than god. Buy better wigs and better people to put them on you…told you Adele was going to win everything…you can never have too much Paul, especially when he’s doing The Beatles.  But where is Ringo? What the hell else does he have to do? So all the rock guys come back to appear on stage in a “look at my surrogate penis” competition. Thank you and good night!

 

OKAY, THERE’S AN EXCEPTION TO EVERY RULE

There’s only one Whitney Huston song that I ever liked and it was “Saving All my Love.”  Everything else was a beautiful voice wasted on crap. It’s the greatest irony that Janet Jackson’s reed-thin mouse whisper got Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam while Whitney Huston got the most generic crap ever.

 

WE CAN REBUILD HIM

So I had my first physical therapy session and as it turns out I may have kept the leg immobilizer on too long, but honestly, better safe than sorry.  I could walk surprisingly fine, even taking the stairs.  Granted I’m nowhere near healing and still have to remember I can’t move the way I used to but no crutches and no immobilizer. I am a tad disappointed I didn’t get an excuse to buy a cane. I was thinking about one with a dragon for a handle and a sword in it, but I’d rather be walking.  He cleared me to swim (not that I stopped) and I’m even thinking I’ll be back on my bike sooner than later…except I sold my bike.  Shit.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: