THANK MA & PA KENT FOR YOUR LIFE

5 Feb

 

1. Chronicle/Fox                                                Wknd/$  22.0            Total/$   22.0

 2. The Woman In Black/CBS                          Wknd/$  21.0            Total/$   21.0

 3. The Grey/Open Road                                   Wknd/$    9.5            Total/$   34.8

 4. Big Miracle/Universal                                  Wknd/$    8.5            Total/$     8.5

 5. Underworld Awakening/SG                        Wknd/$    5.6            Total/$    54.4

 6. One For The Money/Lion’s Gate               Wknd/$    5.0            Total/$    19.7

 7. Red Tails/Fox                                                 Wknd/$    5.0            Total/$    41.3

 8. The Descendants/FoxSearch                      Wknd/$    4.6            Total/$    65.5

 9. Man on a Ledge/Summit                             Wknd/$    4.5            Total/$    14.7

10. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close         Wknd/$    3.9            Total/$    26.8

 

SUPER PISSED

Chronicle opens at number one and this shows you what geeks like me talk about with other geeks: how Jonathan and Martha Kent actually created Superman, because without good parents, Superman or Spider-man or any person who gets superpowers is ripping off the arms of everyone from the guy next door who plays his music too loud to the president himself.  Shot in the “found footage” style that I usually hate this has enough sense to stabilize it a bit, not making it as nauseatingly shaky as it probably would be.  It’s also organic because the character uses his powers to hold the camera steady as the story progresses.  Also, other video footage like that of security cameras is integrated. We start off like your typical superhero story of watching the trials and tribulations of the  geeky, outcast main character, much like the opening of the first Spider-man movie, complete with a normal best friend (who in this case is also his cousin).  The difference being Peter Parker had clearly loving home.  The first thing we “see” of this character’s home life is his drunken father pounding on the door, only backing down apparently when his son tells him he’s videotaping everything.  When we finally actually meet his father, he comes in to punch his son in the head for not opening the door earlier, something Cliff Robertson never did to Tobey Maguire.  There’s also harassment from bullies in school, punks in the neighborhood and a nasty encounter at a party, all of it triggered in part by the camera. But it’s also because he has the camera his only friend and the most popular guy in school ask him to come explore a mysterious cave containing a glowing crystalline object.  It knocks them out but when they awaken they have telekinetic powers and this is when the trouble begins. Initially, it’s all fun and games and spending time with friends—especially one who’s handsome and popular—seems to be healing our troubled geek, but like Michael Fassbender as Magneto in X-Men First class, the damage has been done and no amount of concern or tenderness from James McAvoy can save him.  Our troubled lead uses his powers for social acceptance and just when he seems to have achieved it, his inexperience with such status only results in social embarrassment and ultimately it all unravels, climaxing with a knockdown, drag-out fight in the middle of Seattle after shedding the blood of friend and foe alike. Wherever they are, the makers of Green Lantern should hang their heads in sheer embarrassment that someone accomplished in 90 minutes with a budget that probably couldn’t pay for craft services what they couldn’t do with two hours and $200M dollars.

 

JUST ATTACH “HARRY POTTER AND…” TO THE TITLE AND BE DONE WITH IT

The Woman In Black opens at number two and you’d think Daniel Radcliffe would try and stay away from things involving magic and the supernatural, but apparently that’s just for Broadway.  When it involves actual money stick with what you know. This looks like it’s attempting to be scary and Harry Potter or no, I’ve no interest in the scary.

 

LOW RISK, HIGH REWARD

The Gray is down to number three and given this only cost $25M (wolves don’t command much of a salary) and has already made $34 domestically this will most likely be another improbable win for Liam Neeson.

 

ALSO, I WAS WATCHING A LOT OF MTV AND KURT LODER SAID NOTHING

The Big Miracle opens at number four and it’s always weird to see these “incredible true stories” that occurred in your lifetime and you have no memory of them, especially when the story insists these were a big deal at the time.  I’ve no recollection of whales being trapped in ice in the 80’s and everyone being glued to their TV sets over it. It was in high where I pretentiously started reading Time Magazine to show how aware I was of the world around me and that I never noticed this shows you how pretentiousness is actually a shortcut for saying “head up your own ass.”  That said, how is this not a Disney movie?  They’d have marketed it better that’s for damn sure.  One commercial is about Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski with a hint of romance and the other is about some Eskimo kid. Make up your mind.  Not that I care about either…

 

STARTING WITH SHORT CIRCUIT

Underworld Awakening is down to number five, followed by One For The Money at number six and also in this is Fisher Stevens and honestly, there is no greater sign of a movie being lackluster than his presence. I don’t think he’s been in a good one ever and will go down in history as the douche that cheated on Michelle Pfeiffer, who has aged much better than he has.

 

MY BAD

Red Tails is down to number seven and I feel personally responsible as I have yet to see it.

 

IT’S AN EMBARRASSMENT OF B-LIST RICHES

The Descendants holds at number eight, followed by Man on a Ledge at number nine and another reason I don’t are about this movie is that it’s also a heist flick and I hate heist flicks!  They’re just so filled with crappy false tension because if they don’t ultimately succeed with the heist, you don’t have a movie!  And it’s a true cast of “Hey, weren’t you supposed to be a bigger star than this?” with the king of that, Ed Harris; along with Ed Burns, Anthony Mackie and Jamie Bell, who at least now has the emerging Tintin franchise to fall back on as he did the voice of Tintin. Otherwise starting his career in Billy Elliot just set the bar too high.

 

ODD KIDS RUNNING AROUND IN CITIES. IT’S ALL THE SAME TO ME.

Finally closing out the top ten at number ten is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and if you’re like me, you often confused commercials for this with commercials about that new Fox show with Keifer Sutherland and his a kid.   No, I didn’t watch it either.

 

LOVE, PEACE AND SOUL

I’d say Don Cornelius died this week, but he didn’t die; he committed suicide.  And Rick James’s birthday no less.  But he was 72, had health problems going back 2o years and clearly depression got the better of him. Also gone are longtime TV actor James Farentino, Robert Hegyes aka “Juan Epstein”; Etta James, Ben Gazzara and king of 80’s and 90’s softcore porn, Zalman King who brought the world Red Shoe Diaries, which paid David Duchovny’s rent for a few years.

 

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