YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE POOR AND YOUR LIFE IS BORING

8 Jan

1. The Devil Inside/Paramount                     Wknd/$  34.5            Total/$   34.5

2. Mission: Impossible 4/Parmount            Wknd/$  20.5            Total/$  170.0

3. Sherlock Holmes 2/Warners                     Wknd/$   14.1            Total/$  157.0

5. Alvin & The Chipmunks 3/Fox                  Wknd/$    9.5            Total/$  112.0

4. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo             Wknd/$   11.4            Total/$   76.8

6. War Horse/Disney                                       Wknd/$    8.6            Total/$   56.8

7. We Bought A Zoo/Fox                                 Wknd/$    8.5            Total/$   56.5

8. The Adventures of Tintin/Par                    Wknd/$    6.6            Total/$   61.9

9. Tinker, Tailer, Solider, Spy/Focus             Wknd/$    5.8            Total/$   10.4

10. New Year’s Eve/Warner                              Wknd/$    3.3            Total/$   52.0

THE QUESTION IS DOES INXS GET A CHECK?

The Devil Inside opens at number one and remember when I warned you last year about how your patronage of these movies that are “found footage” would only result in more of them?  Well, here you are.  What I want to know is who the fuck are you people who don’t get nauseous watching this shit?  I can’t even text in the fucking car without getting motion sickness, much less watch these movies. Not that I do. After all, they are supposed to be scary—not that they actually are—and I don’t do the scary.

YOU’RE NEVER TOO YOUNG FOR ESPIONAGE!

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol is down to number two (finally) and also in this is Paula Patton, or as I like to call her “Halle Berry 2.0.”  Seriously, plug Halle Berry into this role and the movie doesn’t change a single bit and gives her a much-needed hit. But she was probably too big a star as the Mission Impossible movies are notable for the Ethan Hunt team consisting of recognizable actors, but decided B-listers. Oh, and no one and I mean no one is over 5’7” which lets you know how short Ving Rhames and all those other actors really are.  This definitely boosts Paula Patton’s profile, but the girlfight they give you glimpses of in the commercials isn’t that great, not helped by the fact that the Evil Blonde Assassin looks like she’s 16 so it’s like she’s beating up some poor kid. Are hits for hire the way she’s saving for college?

PLAIN & COMPETENT VS. PRETTY & INEPT

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is down to number three with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo behind it at four and also in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is Noomi Rapace, who played the title character in the original Swiss version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which I was able to watch on Netflix last week.  While Rooney Mara does an excellent job, I prefer Noomi Rapace who played her as a girl clearly with issues from a troubled past but still capable of normal human interaction.  Mara’s Lisbeth Salander looks clearly to have Asberger’s and would act the way she does no matter what happened in her past.  The issue of their stories being separate doesn’t exist so much in the original because she never stops spying on Blomkvist and is actually brought into the case as a result of it, not just out the blue with “Hey, do you know a good investigator?”  Also in the first version the sheen of Hollywood is clearly missing, starting with the incredibly chic wardrobe of nearly everyone onscreen.  There’s never any doubt that even when in jeans a sweater and a knit cap that Daniel Craig is in designer wear, while even the wealthy family of the Vangers in the original wear normal, everyday clothing. But most importantly, the use of time in the first version is more economical.  The real story starts when the journalist agrees to investigate the story of the missing girl.  In the original it’s 10 minutes in. In this version it’s 20 and it matters when your movie is over two hours long.  The ending is the same ridiculous one from the book, but again, not as drawn out. Which is good because you don’t have as much time to think about how fucking silly it is.  Seriously, just because it’s in the book doesn’t make it smart.  Much like Lisbeth becoming Blomkvist’s lover it smacks of fantasy, of someone who doesn’t really know that much about hackers. Hollywood changes things for the worst all the time. Why not for the better—like when they eliminated Clarice Starling becoming Hannibal Lecter’s lover in Thomas Harris’s original novel of Hannibal (the reason Jodie Foster bailed on the sequel). Yes, say what you want about that movie at least we were spared Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore boning.  The brain-eating sequence is mild in comparison to what that would have been.

ANOTHER THING THEY HAVE IN COMMON: THEY ALL SUCK

War Horse is down to number six and because there are so few modern movies about WWI, I like to think that they all take place together, so while this boy is crying over his horse, over in the next trench Brad Pitt is cutting out the heart of Henry Thomas, while nearby Matt Damon is having his first Bagger Vance hallucination, while overhead is James Franco in a biplane and on the frontline Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber are slitting throats with their mutant powers.

I BLAME YOU FOR THIS, CHIPMUNK PUNK

Though down to number seven, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked has passed $100M. Know what’s amazing? This is actually a let down from the first two.

WHY WE’RE THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

The Adventures of TinTin is down to number eight though it’s $300M worldwide because the rest of the world loves this character that almost no one in America under the age of 50 even remembers.  And with a $130M budget this pretty much means they’ve got a franchise, whether or not you care, yank.

AND THEY’RE ANGLOPHILES

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy enters the top ten meaning that grown-ups still do go to the movies.

A TASTE FOR CHOCOLATE

New Year’s Eve closes out the top ten at number ten and you just know Robert DeNiro only agreed to do this piece of shit when they told him that Halle Berry would be playing his doctor.  He’d probably have done Mission Impossible as well if they’d told him about Paula Patton.

YOUR LIFE SUCKS AND HERE’S WHY

Sante D’Orazio is a high fashion photographer and you know his work even if you don’t realize it.  From Vogue to Playboy, from Keith Richards to Janet Jackson, from Sofia Lauren to Pamela Anderson, from Victoria’s Secret to Versace and all the actual models in between (Cindy Crawford, Kate Moss, Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell, Stephanie Seymour, etc), he has photographed everyone.  His first book, A Private View, was mostly about his 90’s work.  The one I picked this weekend (thanks to a Christmas gift of a gift coupon) is Barely Private, which is of his work in the first decade of the 21st Century and only succeeds in cementing my belief from the previous work: that pretty people should be naked and photographed.  In that order. The books also have a smattering of his private life and some behind-the-scenes candid photos making you realize what a dull, poor, unglamorous life you’re leading.  Did you have breakfast at Balthazar then take nudes of models all day then bump into Warren Beatty on the way home and go out drinking with him? Did you spend New Year’s Eve in St. Bart’s on Puffy’s yacht, hanging with Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas and lots and lots of topless young models?  I didn’t think so.  I’m not even going to get into the fact he’s over six feet tall, not exactly hideous and straight so you know he’s had a sex life that exceeds our wildest fantasies.

One Response to “YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE POOR AND YOUR LIFE IS BORING”

  1. Jean January 11, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    When I was an agent at a modeling agency in L.A. (a long, long time ago) I heard he gave a certain supermodel an STD which she promptly passed on to the owner of the agency. Ick.

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