I DON’T KNOW YOU, BUT I HATE YOU

7 Nov

 

1. Puss in Boots/Dreamworks                        Wknd/$  34.0            Total/$   75.5

 2. Tower Heist/Universal                                Wknd/$   25.1            Total/$    25.1

 3. Harold & Kumar 3D Xmas/WB                 Wknd/$   13.1            Total/$    13.1

 4. Paranormal Activity 3/Paramount            Wknd/$    8.5            Total/$   95.3

 5. In Time/Fox                                                    Wknd/$    7.7             Total/$   24.2

 6. Footloose/Paramount                                   Wknd/$    4.6            Total/$   44.8

 7. Real Steel/Disney                                           Wknd/$    3.4            Total/$   78.8

 8. The Rum Diary/FilmDistrict                       Wknd/$    3.0            Total/$   10.4

 9. The Ides of March/Sony                               Wknd/$    2.0            Total/$   36.8

10. Moneyball/Sony                                            Wknd/$    1.9             Total/$   70.3

 

HATERS GONNA HATE THOSE WHO DESERVED TO BE HATED

Puss In Boots holds astoundingly at number one, but when your only real threat is Tower Heist opening at number two it isn’t that much of a shock and honestly validates this mediocre film’s existence that it kept Brett Ratner out of the number one slot. Michael Bay gets most of the heat because his films are bigger, but Brett Ratner is an equal threat to quality filmmaking if not moreso.  He’s so clearly untalented it actually makes me angry that he’s so successful.  I was dumb enough once to see After The Sunset, his lame attempt to do The Thomas Crown Affair all the way down to casting Pierce Brosnan in the lead role (he was smart enough to include Salma Hayek in a bikini, insuring weak-minded men like me would pay to see it).  I wasn’t going to fall again for his attempt to make Oceans 11—all the way down to casting Casey Affleck as part of an all-star team and even hiring one of the writers from Ocean’s 11 (no Salma Hayek this time to prey upon my weak mind). And strangely all these hacks tend to be dicks in real life.  Bay is well-known as a jerk, while Ratner was singled out in Olivia Munn’s autobiography as a douche who masturbated his tiny penis in front of her while eating shrimp.  What she failed to include, but what a dirtbag like Ratner was quick to reveal, was that he was dating her at the time (I’m being kind to call it “dating”) and simply forgot her and she hated him for it, hence the story in the book.  Honestly, it’s water seeking its own level with the two of them hooking up and we should just be happy they didn’t breed shallow little untalented children.

 

DOES ANYONE REALIZE THESE GUYS ARE ABOUT 40?

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas opens at number three and I’ve never gotten the appeal of these movies. No, I don’t smoke weed, but if that’s a prerequisite then your movie simply isn’t that funny. It’s like saying that your brownies are good because the stoned kids eat them. They’ll eat anything. And clearly they’ll watch anything while doing so.

 

IN THE FUTURE NO ONE WILL BE UGLY

Paranormal Activity 3 is down to number four, followed by In Time at number five and if you didn’t realize just how pretty Andrew Niccol’s movie really is, know that in supporting roles there’s none other than Matthew Bomer from White Collar and would be “it boy” Andrew Pettyfer, both of whom steal scenes all too easily from Justin Timberlake (it’s really time to let this acting thing go) as a centenarian looking to die and the prettiest cockney thug who ever lived, respectively.  Not to mention all the models clearly cast as extras because not even actors are that tall and skinny.

 

ENABLERS OF BAD ACTING

Speaking of models in movies, Footloose is down to number six and Andie McDowell is in this as Dennis Quaid’s wife.  Wow. How the mighty have fallen. She’s not even playing “the mom” to a star. Not that she should have been mighty to begin with. Steven Soderberg owes the world an apology for making a movie so good (sex, lies & videotape) it made it seem like she could act. Likewise, Mike Newell and Harold Ramis for making movies so enjoyable it didn’t seem to matter (Groundhog Day and Four Weddings & A Funeral respectively).

 

IT’S A STORY AS OLD AS HOLLYWOOD

Real Steel is still hanging around at number seven followed by Rum Diary at number eight and like always, you can measure the rise of a new “hot girl” by the increasing age of her leading men.  Amber Heard is 25 and has been bubbling under for awhile now, but finally breaking through over this past year, with roles opposite Nicholas Cage (47), here with Johnny Depp (48) and even on the cancelled Playboy Club TV show with Eddie Cibran (37).  At least now even Harrison Ford and Robert Redford are too old to rub up against her.

 

THE END

The Ides of March is still hanging around at number nine with Moneyball at number ten.

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