IT ONLY SOUNDS LIKE PORN

31 Oct

1. Puss in Boots/Dreamworks                        Wknd/$  34.0            Total/$   34.0

 2. Paranormal Activity 3/Paramount           Wknd/$  18.5            Total/$   81.3

 3. In Time/Fox                                                   Wknd/$  12.0            Total/$   12.0

 4. Footloose/Paramount                                  Wknd/$    5.4            Total/$   38.4

 5. The Rum Diary/FilmDistrict                      Wknd/$    5.0            Total/$     5.0

 6. Real Steel/Disney                                          Wknd/$    4.7            Total/$   73.9

 7. The Three Musketeers/Summit                 Wknd/$    3.5            Total/$   14.8

 8. The Ides of March/Sony                              Wknd/$    2.7            Total/$   33.5

 6. Dolphin Tale/Warners                                 Wknd/$    4.2            Total/$   64.4

 9. Moneyball/Sony                                            Wknd/$    2.4            Total/$   67.4

10.Courageous/Sony                                          Wknd/$    1.8            Total/$   27.6

NEXT: THE ADVENTURES OF DONKEY!

Puss in Boots opens at number one and while I was never a big fan of the Shrek series, I fully credit Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) for help saving the second film along with Donkey (Eddie Murphy) who was the saving grace of the first.  As a vehicle for Mike Meyers hamming it up, Shrek himself was never really funny to me.  This is why a movie about Puss in Boots solo is so ultimately disappointing. You’d think free of Shrek and able to run wild in the land of fairy tales he’d thrive, but apparently they forgot that Shrek was all about fairy tales. You wonder if the makers of this even saw the four other films, so limited are they in dealing with other fairy tales and nursery rhymes and even when they do they offer no humorous take on them.  It starts promisingly enough with Jack and Jill as a couple of murderous thieves carrying three magic beans that Humpty Dumpty and Puss plan to steal…and then that’s kinda it. Little Boy Blue shows up for one lame joke about his horn, but when your funniest joke is a joke about film noir (I’m sure all the 10-year-old got that), you’re in trouble.  I give them credit for just wanting to tell their own story, but then why use Humpty Dumpty, magic beans, a beanstalk and the Golden Goose!?!  You can’t have it both ways.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MOVE TO ANOTHER THEATER

Paranormal Activity 3 is down to number two, followed by In Time at number three and this is the latest from writer/director Andrew Niccol who specializes in very pretty science fiction, with pretty people with very thin metaphors about the human condition. The first was Gattaca where the society was divided into the genetic elite and their inferiors.  It was followed by S1mone, which was a tad ahead of its time with a totally virtual celebrity, but inspiration didn’t help a lackluster execution.  He also wrote The Truman Show  In Time has the look and feel of Gattaca in that it’s about very pretty people who live in retro-future where fashion and style stopped in 1963, but technology went ahead and went too far, stopping aging at 25, but if you want to keep living you have to earn more time, which is the currency in this world.  The rich literally have all the time in the world while the poor live day-by-day (yes, 1% and 99%). Again, literally.   Subtle Niccol is not.  Nor is he deep.  All his films are essentially Outer Limits episodes stretched out to film length with no real proportional increase in the depth. This is no exception, despite some nice observations about wealth and society (one man gets suddenly rich and is dead in a day because he spends it all on booze; poor people don’t rise up because they remain convinced that somehow they’re going to be immortal one day too). You could condense this to 45 minutes and lose nothing.  Just as in Gattaca you have your hero (Justin Timberlake) challenging the system, but rather than it being his focused will and effort to beat it, this time it’s fate that drops 100 years into his lap and when his only real use for it dies literally in his arms (Olivia Wilde as his mother), he decides to rage against the machine aided by a rich man’s daughter (Amanda Seyfried) who is a more than willing gun moll in four-inch heels (this takes on an absurdist air given they literally have to run for their lives more than once).  Just as in Gattaca there is a cop defending the system against those who’d change it.  There was a payoff there because he ultimately had a connection to the protagonist, actually adding a layer to their conflict.  Here, we again learn there’s a connection between Justin Timberlake and Cillian Murphy as the cop, but it’s never really explored and unlike the cop of Gattaca.  He was a beneficiary of the system so you knew why he protected it, but here we learn cops in this world are treated as poorly as our own, only given a literal per diem so his devotion is unknown.  This is especially problematic when something else is revealed in literally the last few minutes of the film.  But it’s damn pretty, filled with nothing but pretty people. Clearly character actors were informed “Not this time.”  See what I did there?

YOU’LL ALWAYS BE OFFICER HANSON TO ME

Footloose is down to number four followed by The Rum Diary opening at number five and this is the latest in Johnny Depp’s love affair with Hunter S. Thompson and the second time Depp has portrayed him onscreen the first being Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Thompson appeared briefly as a character in Durango).  I know nothing of this book or movie and could care less.  Seriously, the fans of Hunter S. Thompson always annoyed me as a bit hipper-than-thou and Depp’s devotion to him just kinda drives that home for me, as I find him to be a total bullshit artist who’s created this iconoclastic air about him, while doing nothing really to deserve it. What exactly is so rebellious about dating actresses and models and doing Disney films?  Similarly, Thompson fans tend to upper middle class twits who fashion themselves as edgy.

CAN YOU FEEL THE IRONY?

Real Steel is down to number six and with a $110M budget a worldwide take of $159M isn’t exactly outstanding.  I personally thought it could have used more robot fights and clearly I’m not alone given how it’s falling off and word-of-mouth really isn’t doing a lot.  I enjoyed it for the most part, but they’d have done themselves a favor if they’d actually dealt with the dystopian nature that caused robot boxing (the public’s desire for violence) than making it so much about a father and son. A better filmmaker would have realized you can have both, but this came from Steven Spielberg and the director of Night At The Museum so multi-dimensional was kinda beyond them.

THIS IS HOW WE DEFINE A CRIME AGAINST CINEMA

The Three Musketeers 3D is down to number seven and this is such a waste of talent.  Now Mila Jovovich literally made her bed and is sleeping in it when she married the director. There’s no saving her.  But Mads Mikkelsen and Ray “Titus Pullo” Stevenson!?!  I can only hope they were well paid and got a nice trip to Paris for some of the filming because this is as big a waste of their time and talents as were Clash of the Titans and Punisher: War Journal.  Orlando Bloom is sadly looking like one of those pretty boys for whom age is not a friend.  Too bad because needs one if these are the kinds of decisions his agent is making post Pirates of the Caribbean which was clearly a Johnny Depp success.  Bloom’s really got nothing on his own (though I personally enjoyed the hell out of Kingdom of Heaven).

MY COUSIN VINNY UNFORTUNATELY SET HER LEADING MAN CAREER PATH

The Ides of March is down to number eight and also in this is Marisa Tomei and it’s her luck that the first time she’s in a movie with two good looking leads she’s playing a character who sleeps with neither.  Philip Seymour Hoffman is in this and her last sex scene was with him. Yeah, I’m still having nightmares too.

THE END

Moneyball is down to number nine followed by Courageous aka Good Christian Firefighters returning to the top ten.

HOW’S HE GONNA HANDLE THE LITTLE MERMAID OR THE RED SHOES?

So the fall season finally wrapped up with Grimm, the second TV show about fairy tale characters in the real world, this time as a police procedural, while the other, Once Upon A Time, is a soap opera.  This time a homicide detective learns his descended from The Brothers Grimm who are apparently monster hunters and apparently a lot of these characters live in…Oregon?  Not New York, LA or even Europe, you know, where they’re from.  No, they all went to Oregon. That’s the most difficult thing to accept about this whole thing. Monsters are the easy part.  It’s not a horrible concept, but they don’t do anything with it. There’s no wit or inspiration behind it like Buffy (though that he befriends a Big Bad Wolf is funny), so at the end of the day it’s just another police show with a few more special effects in it.

GEEK SKILLS

So rather than go to a Halloween party this weekend, I got myself some posterboard and paint and made Captain America’s first shield.  It happened because I briefly contemplated going out as Cap, but wasn’t going to pay $40-60 for one of those bullshit plastic shields so I decided I could make one. I found literally dozens of instructions on how to make them online, from the good to the you-must-be-fucking-kidding, but having just bought the movie on blu-ray, I was kinda taken with the original.  So much so, that even after I lost interest in going out (fuck all you people who wanted fall and winter to get here so fast) I still spent Saturday night doing just that and think it came out decently, given arts and crafts were never my thing. Next, I’m gonna make that circular one because I don’t think my bedroom alienates women enough.

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One Response to “IT ONLY SOUNDS LIKE PORN”

  1. Turafish October 31, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    Nice Kevin Maguire cover!

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