ALL FOR NOTHING

24 Oct

1. Paranormal Activity 3/Paramount           Wknd/$  54.0            Total/$   54.0

2. Real Steel/Disney                                        Wknd/$   11.3            Total/$   67.2

3. Footloose/Paramount                                Wknd/$  10.9            Total/$   30.9

4. The Three Musketeers/Summit               Wknd/$    8.8            Total/$     8.8

5. The Ides of March/Sony                             Wknd/$    4.9            Total/$   29.2

6. Dolphin Tale/Warners                                Wknd/$    4.2            Total/$   64.4

7. Moneyball/Sony                                            Wknd/$    4.1            Total/$   63.7

8. Johnny English Reborn/Universal           Wknd/$    3.8            Total/$     3.8

9. The Thing/Universal                                     Wknd/$    3.1            Total/$    14.1

10 . 50/50/Summit                                            Wknd/$    4.3            Total/$   28.8

AS IF SPIELBERG NEEDED MORE MONEY

Paranormal Activity 3 opens huge at number one and remember this when you’re bitching about all these annoying “found footage” movies this time next year. You people made this happen. They keep making them because they’re low budgeted and rarely lose money. Let me put it this way: this cost $5M.  It made almost eleven times that in one weekend. They can totally pull it out of theaters and start selling it without losing a dime, it’s already made such an insane amount of profit.  But not from me. I don’t do the scary.

WHO HAD THE BEST SHIT-EATING GRIN YOU EVER SAW?

Real Steel is down to number two followed by Footloose at number three and the dad in this is Dennis Quaid, which must be sobering for him as in the 80’s he was always the hellraiser character with the cocky smile and six pack abs. In other words, the star. Now he’s the old guy trying to keep the star down. On some level that’s gotta hurt.

WILL THE MUSKETEERS EVER HAVE FRENCH ACCENTS?

I love the Three Musketeers. I love them so much I actually read the book. I love them so much I saw the awful version with Chris O’Donnell and Charlie Sheen.  Fucking Charlie Sheen as a musketeer!!!  I love them so much I briefly contemplated this steampunk version from Paul WS. Anderson, but then I asked myself “Have you ever seen a film directed by this man and not come away thinking two hours of your life had been stolen away?”  Clearly, the answer was “No” and so I got some much-needed rest.  For those of you who don’t know, Paul WS Anderson has to call himself that lest people confuse him with the actually talented director, Paul Thomas Anderson, who brought the world Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood.  This guy is a B-movie director who has been behind the Resident Evil franchise, whose greatest achievement has been to keep his wife, Mila Jovovich as a B-list actress when she seemed about to be reach “A.”  Needless to say, she’s here again, showing that love will outweigh common sense each and every time.  I’ll give him credit for realizing he didn’t have what it took to make a good Three Musketeers movie and decided to just abandon it entirely to a science fiction version by adding “steampunk” to it.  Steampunk is when steam is used to power extraordinary devices set in a past time. Wild, Wild West was totally steampunk long before the term was created.  By going “steampunk” on The Three Musketeers, Anderson not only mitigates the ability to criticize it in comparison to other Three Musketeers movies, but also moves it into a genre where he’s had his only success.  Not that it helped, given how low it opened. At least there’s no shitty song this time around.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, ELLA WAS WRONG

The Ides of March is down to number five, followed by Dolphin Tale at number six and also in this is Harry Connick Jr., who once upon a time was another musician who tried out acting. I don’t think anyone now even remembers he was a bit of a prodigy who received the blessing of none other than Ella Fitzgerald. That’s what happens when you make a lot of shitty movies. Seriously, his two best movies are The Iron Giant and Independence Day.  One is animated, he dies in the first act of the other and in neither is he the star.  I’m just sayin’…

BLONDE ON BLONDE

Moneyball is down to number seven and imagine my surprise to see Robin Wright turn up as Brad Pitt’s age-appropriate ex-wife (last time I saw her she was the ex-wife of 20+ years older Robert DeNir0).  Now I’d actually like to see them in a movie together as a couple.  Pretty people together are what I pay for when I go to the movies.  And not to be cruel, but there’s no way two people this pretty create that little girl. Oh, fuck off. You know I’m right.

SAY IT AIN’T SO, SCULLY!

Johnny English Reborn opens at number eight and seriously, who the fuck finds this shit funny!?!  English humor is either awesome or utter shite it seems.  Just a lot of anvil dropping obvious crap, as subtle as a baseball hitting someone in the nuts.  I know we have it too (the entire career of Adam Sandler), but somehow I expect better from the Brits so the success of something like this is a complete and total surprise to me.  Though it really shouldn’t be given I’ve seen some of their crappy sitcom TV.  And poor Gillian Anderson.  I know you’re a wannabe Brit, honey, but have some dignity. You can do better than this.  And by “better” I mean something where you take your shirt off.

NO-THING

The Thing drops massively down to number nine, doubly humiliated by the success of Paranormal Activity 3, showing it’s not that people don’t want horror, they just don’t want this shit.

THE END

Finally, 50/50 closes out the top ten at number ten.

AND THEY WATCHED TV HAPPILY EVER AFTER

We’re getting to the end of the Fall TV rollout and I know it seem strange that I would watch Man Up when I wouldn’t watch How To Be A Gentleman, but I loves me some Teri Polo. I even watched her horrible wedding planner show from noted misogynist David E. Kelly. But only once. I’d say I was only going to watch this once, but given that it’ll probably be cancelled by the time you finish reading this I really won’t have a choice. Also the first of not one but two fairy tale based TV shows debuted with Once Upon A Time, which is actually not based on the comic book series Fables which is also about fairy tale characters exiled into the real world (I despise the writer of Fables so I’m delighted he won’t be getting a dime from this).  In his stories they all know who they are, but in Once Upon a Time after losing to Snow White and Prince Charming, The Evil Witch casts as spell that will take them all to some place horrible, wipe their memories and leave them trapped in time for all eternity. That it’s Massachusetts is clearly someone taking a shot and I for one support it. Their only salvation is apparently the child of Snow White who will find them once she turns 28 and the final battle will begin.  This is juxtaposed with the hot, blonde bail bondsman, whose lonely 28th birthday is interrupted by a kid with a fairy tale book who is the son she gave up for adoption at 18.  He tells her all this and how she’s supposed to save them.  She takes him home were we meet the doppelgangers of everyone we’ve seen in the fairy tale universe and a few we didn’t including Little Red Riding Hood, who’s apparently a slut in our world, which should make her relationship with “the wolf” somewhat interesting. I’ll admit there’s something a tad intriguing of how it’s all going to work out and they’re smart to stretch the story out by flashing back to the fairy tale universe to tell the origins of the characters to give more dimension to who they are here.  Otherwise this is a yet another mini-series which should be wrapped up in half a season.  However, it’s not a “must see” and won’t go in the DVR. I just may look at it from time to time if the Sunday Night Football Game is boring…like last night.

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