APPARENTLY WE’RE ALL WHORES

2 Oct

 

1. Dolphin Tale/Warners                                    Wknd/$  14.2            Total/$  37.5

 2. Moneyball/Sony                                               Wknd/$  12.5            Total/$  38.5

 3. The Lion King 3D/Disney                              Wknd/$   11.1            Total/$  79.7

 4. 50/50/Summit                                                 Wknd/$    8.9            Total/$    8.9

 5. Courageous/TriStar                                         Wknd/$    8.8           Total/$    8.8

 6. Dream House/Universal                                Wknd/$    8.2           Total/$    8.2

 7. Abduction/Lions Gate                                    Wknd/$    5.7            Total/$   19.1

 8. What’s Your Number?                                    Wknd/$    5.6           Total/$     5.6

 9. Contagion/Warner                                          Wknd/$    5.0           Total/$   64.7

10. Killer Elite/                                                     Wknd/$    4.9            Total/$     9.5

 

KISS THE GIRLS 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO

Dolphin Tale rises to number one and also in this is Ashley Judd and remember when she was the hot young thing?  Hooked up with the male hot young thing, Matthew McConughey?  Now she’s supporting in family films while he still has some solid B-lead status.  Granted, Hollywood is more harsh on women than men, but she played that “I’m just a lil’ southern girl” card just one too many times while developing a “difficult” reputation on-set. But mostly she didn’t stick to what put her over the top, which was the suspense thriller. You know, like the one she made with again her co-star again here, Morgan Freeman.  Yeah, High Crimes didn’t do as well as Kiss The Girls, but that doesn’t mean you give up. Matthew McConughey never made even one good romantic comedy, but he didn’t stop making them and they kept him in the game. Make as many bad suspense thrillers as you have to. One will stick.

 

TO BE FAIR HE’S ALWAYS GONNA WIN

Moneyball holds at number two showing that people are still interested in baseball, but not overwhelmingly so.  Also in this is OSCAR WINNER Philip Seymour Hoffman. I say that because aside from a quick glimpse, you wouldn’t know he was in this movie. He’s a freaking Oscar winner!  Usually, that’s all over every movie trailer—except when your leading man is a mega-star like Brad Pitt.  So not only did he give Jonah Hill an eating disorder, he’s diminished the stature of a better actor. Brad Pitt 2; Fat guys 0.

 

JUST SAYIN’

The Lion King 3D is down to number three and will be released on blu-ray this Tuesday if anyone wants to buy me a gift.

 

BUT THIS SETH ROGEN, THIS I WILL NOT FORGIVE!

50/50 opens at number four and this is was inspired by a true story and since that guy is still alive you know this won’t be a mope-fest.  Still, nothing’s overcoming the presence of Seth Grogen to me so I gave it a pass.  And I like Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and totally forgive him for (500) Days of Summer. Anyone else co-starring and I’m in there.

 

JESUS WANTS YOU TO SEE THIS MOVIE

Courageous opens at number five and this is basically “Good Christian Cops” from the people who made “Good Christian Firefighters” last year, better known as Fireproof. Honestly, I’m glad these films exist and enjoy success because it limits the whining from these people about how “dirty” Hollywood is. You’ve got your own movies. Leave the rest of us and our sex and violence alone.

 

TO THE WINNER GO THE SPOILS

Dream House opens at number six and this is the victim of a really bad trailer. I mean really bad. This should either have been sold as a horror movie about a family dealing with a potentially haunted house or a movie about a man trying to find out who murdered his family.  The commercials and trailer try to sell it as both, clearly something not a lot of people wanted to see and you can blame the studio.  Director Jim Sheridan fought with the studio head over the movie and eventually had it taken from him.  It’s not like this man had made critically praised movies that win Oscars. Oh, wait.  He has. Somewhere in Dublin he’s raising a glass to karma biting the studio in the ass for fucking with him. Or because he’s Irish and in a bar.

 

THE WOMAN WHO CREATED THE ACTION TANK TOP

Abduction is down to number seven and also in this is Sigourney Weaver and a smarter man would have made this about her teaching Werewolf Boy how to kick ass and take names. You would have instantly increased the audience beyond the teenybopper contingent.  But John Singleton directed this so “smarter” never plays into it.

 

NOT IN THE AUDIENCE FOR THIS: MADONNA AND YOU

What’s Your Number opens at number eight and I’m not sure why so many think Ana Faris is such a talented comedic actor that she’s being wasted in something like this.  She started off in the Scary Movie franchise, so I’d say she’s stayed at her level from that, to Best Friends, to House Bunny, to this.  Her one true moment of comedic brilliance came in the form of Sofia Coppola’s revenge on Cameron Diaz in Lost in Translation. Not to mention usually when someone is thought of to be a great comedic female actor, it’s not because of timing or delivery like a man is, it’s because they’ll sacrifice being pretty for a joke and not being pretty for a woman is clearly a gigantic obstacle for women to over because it’s like not breathing, amirite fellas?  What a crock of shit.  By that definition every idiot ever humiliated in every slob comedy is a great comedic actor.  Likewise the very fucking premise of this movie, that she buys into the concept there’s only so many people you can sleep with.  It would be different if she came to the conclusion on her own. After one hook-up too many she decided that she wanted more, but to have your protagonist be a moron submitting to some clearly patriarchal notion of how much sex a woman can have is just stupid.  Especially when you consider they’re your target audience. You’re basically calling anyone who’s exceeded 20 a whore.  A better version of this was a TV series where a woman is told by a fortune teller that she’s already dated the love of her life so that’s why she starts looking back, not that she’s about to become some unredeemable tramp.

 

ARE YOU SHOOTIN’ AT ME? ARE YOU SHOOTIN’ AT ME?

Contagion is down to number nine, followed by The Killer Elite at number ten and one of the reasons I saw this was because the trailer shows a clearly enthusiastic Robert DeNiro ready to throw down.  He’s 70 so you know this movie was just a good time for him. He’s barely in it and when he’s in it he’s in Paris, so basically he got paid to go to Europe for a week.  And there’s still more dignity than working with Jason Statham than the whole Meet The Parents franchise.

 

SOME PEOPLE READ BOOKS II

The new TV season continues…Subugatory is a sitcom about a teen being relocated to suburbia by her overly-protected dad who just now realized he was raising a child in New York.  Apparently, the penises of teenage boys were more threatening than all the crime the previous 15 years (which would include 9/11).  It’s trying a little too hard and shooting in LA is not passing for Connecticut, no matter how much you think all suburbs look alike. It had its moments and could be something if it went a little more subtle…some things I just flat out will not watch and one of those is How To Be A Gentleman which is dragging the Oscar & Felix archetype out one more time, which is fine, but I’m not buying Kevin Dillon as being in his 30’s. Half the jokes on entourage were about his age in comparison to everyone else… Hart of Dixie wants you to accept Rachel Bilson as a doctor.  Yeah.  And it’s downhill from there. Not only have these people clearly never been to the south, it’s debatable they’ve even met doctors…Terra Nova is Steve Spielberg’s big science fiction show about mankind going back in time because they’ve basically made the world unlivable.  Now, any science fiction geek is going to ask you what about time paradox?  Clearly the idea is doomed, because if mankind succeeds and establishes in the past, they alter time and change the future so there is no current day to need saving from.  Or maybe they know this and there’s a race to get established before the ripple effect catches up and wipes out the present day.  If this had come up even once I’d be interested, but it didn’t but instead introduces uninteresting subplots about warring factions in the dinosaur era.  Not even dinosaur fighting once a week and Stephan Lang apparently doing his Avatar character again can save this for me.

 

REAL FREAKY-NAUGHTY!

I wasn’t in any rush to get Aliens on blu-ray, but the shitty, shitty transfer TNT uses every time they run it (which is seemingly every week) so annoyed me that when Best Buy put it on-sale I had to grab it…and it’s glorious.  Maybe too much so. I don’t recall seeing tufts of Sigourney Weaver’s pubic hair sticking out before.  Archer was also 50% off, so that was a no brainer.  Other recent additions also include Dodgeball and yes, Star Wars. I tried to be an angry implacable geek about it, but the simple fact of the matter is a) I don’t watch Return of the Jedi beyond Han’s rescue, so I could care less what he’s done, b) it’s gorgeous and c) I have a bootleg DVD of the digital transfers from the laserdisc untouched by any and all of the revisions done by Lucas so I’m good.

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