DARN YANKEES

6 Sep

 

1. The Help/Touchstone                                    Wknd/$  14.3            Total/$ 96.6

 2. The Debt/Focus                                              Wknd/$    9.9            Total/$  11.8

 3. Apollo 18/Weinstein                                      Wknd/$    8.7            Total/$   8.7

 4. Shark Night 3D/Relativity                            Wknd/$    8.4            Total/$   8.4

 5. Rise of the Planet of the Apes/Fox              Wknd/$    7.9            Total/$160.1

 6. Colombiana/TriStar                                       Wknd/$    7.5            Total/$  22.0

 7. Our Idiot Brother                                            Wknd/$    5.5            Total/$   15.7

 8. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark                          Wknd/$    5.1             Total/$  16.6

 9. Spy Kids 4/Dimension                                   Wknd/$    4.8            Total/$  29.2

10. The Smurfs/Sony                                           Wknd/$    4.1             Total/$ 132.1

 

YOU’RE EITHER WITH US OR AGAINST US

The Help holds at number one and I’m trying to contain my need to punch black people who like this in the face.

 

IS THIS A PREQUEL TO “THE VIG?” SEQUEL TO “THE GAMBLER?”

The Debt opens impressively at number two and who knew there was an audience for movies about Jews who just won’t let that Nazi shit go.  There are probably more Nazis in this than there were in Captain America and yes, I’m still pissed about that.  This has been sitting on the shelf forever because it was being pushed when co-star, Sam Worthington, was riding high on his crappy Clash of the Titans remake.  Normally, that’s the sign of crap they’re looking to unload (just like the end-of-August release date) when no one is looking but it clearly paid off for them.

 

ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “NO TRIPOD AND PLENTY OF NAUSEA.”

Apollo 18 opens at number 3 and yes, this is yet another those  “lost footage” thrillers that have been around forever, but made a big comeback with The Blair Witch Project and just when you thought they were going away again Paranormal Activity brought them back.  Aside from my usual apathy this has the unusually stupid premise of a secret moon landing. As if no one would fucking notice an Apollo level rocket launch!!!  Even Transformers: Dark of the Moon wasn’t this stupid and that’s saying the something.

 

NO BLOOD, NO BOOBIES, NO SALE

Speaking of utterly fucking stupid, Shark Night 3D opens at number four and if you’re wondering why something as sure as a 3D horror movie didn’t do better, know that this is a) PG-13 (strike one) and b) there’s no nudity (strikes two and three).  Seriously, you go to these movies to see two things, sex and blood and PG-13 means you’re getting precious little of either. This is the result of people trying so hard not alienate any audience members they alienate their primary audience members.

 

IT’S LIKE THE TRAINING BRA OF ACTION MOVIES

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is down to number five, followed by Colombiana at number six and I finally saw this and man did it blow, but in such a way you can’t even get mad at it. You actually feel sorry for a film that fails like this.  How difficult is it to fuck up a revenge movie?  You’ve seen it before, kid loses loved one to bad guy, kid finds refuge in someone who teaches them to become a killer so they can go back and seek revenge.  It’s been done a million times before so you’ve got everything from Batman to Kill Bill to show you how to do it right and yet they find new ways to fail here.  First of all this supposedly starts in 1992, but judging by the fashion sense it’s forever 1972 in Chicago.  Then there’s the little matter of casting a Maori from Australia as a Columbian, which he tries to accomplish by doing an impression of a New York Italian playing a Cuban. Yes, he’s doing Tony Montana the entire time. And it’s downhill from there as apparently the only way she as a professional assassin can find the man how murdered her parents is to draw him out.  Does she do this by killing his associates and leaving her symbol on them? No, she kills people with no connection to him whatsoever and leaving her symbol on them. Now this affects him how exactly? Why would he give a fuck?  He wouldn’t.  Then there’s the matter of the FBI not releasing the fact that she leaving a symbol for him to find out anyway, but even after doing it 22 TIMES with no results it never occurs to her to try a different tactic!  This was bad from the word go and the only way it saw the light of day was a hope to cash in on a Zoe Saldana’s moment of hotness and get some of that Angelina Jolie action money.  And as unbelievable as the fight scenes are with Angelina Jolie, they look like an MMA fight compare to the sheer fantasy and ridiculousness of the big fight scene that ends this.  It’s easily one of the worst I’ve ever seen and that’s saying something given how many 90 lb Hong Kong beauty queens I’ve seen throwing down in movies.

 

THE SIBLINGS OF THE INDEPENDENT FILM CHANNEL

Our Idiot Brother is down to number seven and playing the sisters of Paul Rudd are Zoe Deschanel, Elizabeth Banks and Emily Mortimer and with the exception of Elizabeth Banks that works as the others are longtime indie film family members.  In almost every role Emily Mortimer or Zoe Deschanel has played you could probably swap them out.  Elizabeth Banks, not so much.

 

DON’T BE AFRAID OF HIRING REAL WRITERS

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is down to number eight and sure enough this film contains the usual Guillermo Del Toro complete and utter lack of competency.  Apparently at one point they actually kill one of the little monsters and have his body which pretty much ends this film because the way these movies work is that no one believes they exist!  If you have a body then you have proof, which means not only are you not staying in that fucking house, but the police, the government and maybe even the military are involved hunting them down.  But in this movie none of those things happens. Know why? Because Guillermo Del Toro is not a writer. I can’t even call him a shitty writer because he’s just not one at all.  Oh, Katie Holmes is in this, but honestly, who cares?

 

BAD TASTE RUNS THE WORLD

Spy Kids 4 is down to number nine followed by The Smurfs closing out the top ten at number ten and this thing has made $429M worldwide so the next time someone rags on the taste of America remind them of that shit.

 

I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE CHURCH OF BASEBALL

So I finally went to Yankee Stadium.  Granted, not the real one. That one’s gone, but I’ve been to the new one which doesn’t so much echo with a history of greatness as it does with a laser focus on commerce as there are ancillary moneymaking opportunities everywhere and by that I mean a space for an ad for something every-fucking-where and you’d think that’d allow for cheaper prices, but you’d be wrong. I was there with my Movie Buddy Geek Girl who’d gotten them as a gift from her passive aggressive boss. Since she handed in her resignation he refuses to speak to but gave her two tickets to Yankee Stadium behind third base at the cost of $250 a piece. Now, I’m no baseball fan (which is why I never made it to the actual “House That Ruth Built), but I couldn’t turn down either tickets that expensive or with that kind of a story behind them. While baseball bores me, I can’t deny it’s fun to watch practically any type of sporting event with the exception of golf, but that that’s not really a sport anyway.  You have a few $10 beers, some $6 hotdogs and it’s a good time. I also can’t but play dialogue from Bull Durham whenever everyone gather at the mound.  Then there’s the ultimate pastime for me and my friends: people watching and this was no exception, from trying to guess if the two May/December couples near us were actually parent and child (only one, the other was a woman whose hands revealed her to be the same age as her husband, so he just married well) to the painfully obvious Staten Islanders in attendance (steroids and ripped jeans) the fact that the closer you get to the field the more the women are on average blonde.  That’s how you know it’s the Great American Pastime.  And the Yankees won. Not that I cared.

 

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