PIPE CLEANER FURY

29 Aug

1. The Help/Touchstone                                   Wknd/$  14.3            Total/$ 96.6

2. Colombiana/TriStar                                      Wknd/$  10.3            Total/$  10.3

3. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark                         Wknd/$    8.7            Total/$    8.7

4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes/Fox            Wknd/$    8.7            Total/$148.5

5. Our Idiot Brother                                           Wknd/$    6.6            Total/$    6.6

6. Spy Kids 4/Dimension                                  Wknd/$    5.7            Total/$  21.7

7. The Smurfs/Sony                                           Wknd/$    4.8            Total/$ 126.0

8. Conan The Barbarian/Lions                        Wknd/$    3.1            Total/$  16.6

9. Fright Night/Touchstone                             Wknd/$    3.0            Total/$   14.2

10. Crazy Stupid Love/Warners                       Wknd/$    2.9            Total/$  69.5

NO, ELVIS DID NOT CREATE ROCK & ROLL

The Help holds at number one, but I shouldn’t be surprised.  After all, Dances With Wolves was a huge success (as was its unofficial remake Avatar) and so was The Blind Side.  There’s no limit to how much Revisionist White Guilt Fantasies can make.

BUT THIS DOESN’T MAKE ELEKTRA GOOD

Colombiana opens at number two and I feel it’s because most of us couldn’t get out to see it because of the hurricane, because this was number one on my list to see this weekend, despite the utter absurdity of Zoe Saldana being able to kick anyone’s ass.  Seriously.  She’s from the Angelina Jolie School of Improbable Butt-Kicking—which is technically the Hong Kong school of improbably butt-kicking as they’ve had pencil thin beauty queens beating the crap out of men for decades.  But the difference between say, a kung-fu queen doing it and Zoe or Angelina doing it is that you’re supposed to believe it’s some mysterious martial arts technique that allows it to happen for the former.  For the latter, we’re supposed to buy that Zoe Saldana with her pipe-cleaner arms and legs is going toe-to-toe in punch-outs with men twice her size.  Is it so much to ask that female action stars put on a little muscle?  It’s not like you have to pay for the trainer or that you’re working for scale. Say what you want about Jennifer Garner, she ain’t no little girl and looks like she can handle herself in a fight.

THE ONLY WORSE THAN SCARY, POORLY MADE SCARY

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark opens at number three and I think I’m still traumatized by the original, so I’m sure as hell not having anything to do with this one, especially from the “story-challenged” Guillermo del Toro, even if he is working from a more than competent screenplay.  He will find a way to fuck it up.  And the source of the sheer terror in this had nothing to with copious amounts of CGI, which are clearly on fully display as well.  It’s literally about “things that go bump in the night.”  And the fucking thing was on national TV so kids could see it. How irresponsible was that!?!  And the ending was just…I think I have to go huddle in a ball now.  With all the lights in the house on.

NOW KALINDA ON THE GOOD WIFE, SHE MATTERS

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is down to number four and I’m sorry but Frida Pinto will never be anything more than what she clearly is: strategic casting.  Basically to make sure you sell a movie overseas, you put in one of “their” stars in a role that’s prominent, but ultimately unimportant.  You know, the female role.

DUMB & DUMBER

Our Idiot Brother opens at number five and my problem with this is my problem with con artist movies and horror movies and heist movies: I cannot stand watching people act stupid.  Without stupidity every con-artist movie and horror movie and heist movie would stop dead in its tracks, because the protagonist wouldn’t go into that house and wouldn’t make that deal and wouldn’t let that loose cannon on his crew.  And this is all about watching Paul Rudd act stupid for two hours.  Yeah, he’s good hearted, but that makes him less stupid how exactly?  I might pop a blood vessel watching this out of sheer frustration.

YEAH, YOUR BABY LOOKS LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL OR THUROGOOD MARSHALL OR MAO TSE TUNG

Spy Kids: All The Time in the World is down to number six and I’m just going to say it: Robert Rodriquez casts ugly kids.  I guess this means he’s doing it based on actual talent ‘cause god knows it’s not looks.

REDHEAD’S ARE EVIL PT. 29398494

Down to number seven is The Smurfs, followed by Conan The Barbarian at number eight and the bright side to this failing is Rose McGowan will never be Red Sonja. She’s also in this is as the evil witch daughter to the bad guy with a serious daddy complex and when she was boning Robert Rodriquez they were talking of her playing Red Sonja.  Sorry, but as bad as version was with Bridgette Nielsen she’s six feet tall in flat feet.  You can believe she’s going toe-to-to with barbarians and monsters.  5’4” Rose McGowan? Not so much.  Especially since she no longer has a pussy-whipped director who left his wife for her on her side.

ONE MORE CHANCE

Fright Night is down to number nine and I know that hindsight is 20/20, but this probably should have been given a Halloween release and they should probably re-release it for Halloween. Remember when the used to do that in the days before home video? Shit I’m old.

FOOTLOOSING ON MY MY COUSIN VINNY

Finally, Crazy Stupid Love holds at number ten and also in this are Kevin Bacon and Marisa Tomei and honestly, if you could promise me a Kevin Bacon/Marisa Tomei sex scene I’d be there with cash in hand.  And she so fucking deserves it. The last few men she’s kissed onscreen are Steve Carrell, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Jon C. Reilly and William H. Macy.  Notice a trend?  And as the exception that proves the rule: Matthew McConughey.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: