AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

24 Jul

1. Captain America/Paramount                        Wknd/$  65.8            Total/$  65.8

2. Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows 2        Wknd/$  48.1            Total/$274.2

3. Friends With Benefits/ScreenGems            Wknd/$  18.5            Total/$   18.5

4. Transformers 3/Paramount                          Wknd/$  12.0            Total/$325.8

5. Horrible Bosses/Warners                              Wknd/$  11.7             Total/$  82.4

6. Zookeeper/Sony                                               Wknd/$   8.7             Total/$  59.2

7. Cars 2/Disney                                                   Wknd/$   5.7              Total/$176.4

8. Winnie The Pooh/Disney                              Wknd/$   5.1               Total/$  17.6

9. Bad Teacher/Sony                                          Wknd/$   2.6               Total/$  94.4

10. Midnight in Paris                                          Wknd/$   1.9                Total/$   41.8

NEXT UP: A CIVIL WAR MOVIE WITH NOTHING ABOUT SLAVERY

If you know me (and none of you really do, NONE OF YOU!) you know that I’m a huge Captain America fan. I haven’t missed a single issue since I was 16 years old and actually had a subscription until I got tired of them being folded in the mail by postal workers who clearly didn’t know how fucking much old comics were worth.  Behind Superman and Robin, he’s my absolute favorite so I was actually happy for a long time there was no Captain America movie because I’d rather not see it made than see it made poorly (I’m looking at you, Daredevil).  I thought I was seeing all my worst fears realized when Joe Johnson the man who wasted the concept of The Rocketeer so many years back was hired as the director and Chris Evans was miscast as Captain America. He’d make a great Bucky, but Captain America? I don’t think so.  Well, low expectations helped because I actually enjoyed this.  Evans puts that smartass kid persona in the closet to play a humble Steve Rogers and this is what actually separates the good comic book movies from the bad: getting the core character right.  As much I don’t care for Sam Rami’s cartoon Spider-Man movies, he got Peter Parker right.  The good X-Men movies nailed the characters of Wolverine, Magneto, etc.  Iron Man gave us a perfect Tony Stark and Chris Hemsworth’s Thor was only eclipsed by the amazing portrayal of Loki.  And when you look at what failed you see a lack of central character.  There’s no Bruce Banner in either of those Hulk movies. Ben Affleck was not Daredevil, Thomas Jane sure as hell was no Punisher, poor Brandon Routh wasn’t allowed to be either Clark Kent or Superman and we just saw Ryan Reynolds crash and burn as Green Lantern because they utterly ignored his confident comic book persona for an insecure buffoon.  They do Cap right in this film so you can forgive a lot like the utter waste of Hugo Weaving as The Red Skull and the fact that a movie about WWII has no Nazis.  No, I’m not kidding.  Only 3 actually show up but are killed by The Red Skull who has left Hitler and formed his own group called Hydra who dress a lot like Nazis (apparently fashion coordinators were hard to find in Germany in 1942), but can’t be bothered with that whole “exterminate the Jews” bit.  They want to destroy America and take over the world too, but they aren’t like evil bigots or anything.  There’s no unpleasant ideology to ruin your movie-going and more importantly YOUR MERCHANDISING-BUYING EXPERIENCE.  Ignore that this means Hitler should actually be fighting a civil war as well as a two-front World War  because it was also ignored by filmmakers who were clearly controlled by marketing morons run wild who clearly think that people seeing a movie about World War II are going to be offended to see Nazis in it.

HARRY POTTER & THE EMPTY ATM

Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows Part II is down to number two and I think it’s only because it sucked up all the money in the world the first week so there wasn’t any left this week to make more.

ENEMIES WITH DISADVANTAGES

Friends With Benefits opens at number three and I actually thought of seeing this, especially since I saw the first version with Natalie Portman as part of the  “Who can make the worst movie about the same topic” bet she made with Mila Kunis on the set of Black Swan, but the more Mila Kunis talked about how she didn’t do nudity and picked her body double the more it annoyed me.  I hate that bullshit.  Did you not read the script?  Was it not an “R” rated sex comedy?  So who the fuck are you not to fulfill its requirements.  Jane Fonda, Faye Dunaway and Diane Keaton got naked for the roles that required it and they were a helluva lot more talented than either you or Natalie Portman, who are pretty much coasting on the same physical attributes you’re withholding.  It’s not like Mila Kunis has much to offer given she’s built like a 12-year-old boy.  It’s the principle of the thing.  This is the role you accepted.  Play. The. Role.  If you don’t want to be naked, then don’t accept roles in “R” rated sex comedies that are basically about two people fucking and not much else.  It’s like Bruce Willis signing up for Die Hard and saying he doesn’t want to be show onscreen with a gun in his hand.

THE ONE THING YOU EXPECT BAY TO GET RIGHT HE GETS WRONG

You know who has no problem with nudity? Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, the Victoria’s Secret model who replaced Megan Fox in Transformers: Dark of the Moon (down to number four) as the improbable girlfriend of Shia LeBouf, which results in the film’s only display of wit as his mother is amazed he got a second incredibly hot girlfriend and doubts he’ll be able to do it a third time.  Don’t worry, mom.  So long as Stephen Spielberg’s shiksa longing continues, his onscreen doppelgangers will always have hot WASPy girlfriends.  But what is the point of finally casting a hot girl who will take her top off and not having her take her top off!?!  It’s not like she’s acting.

THE ONLY TIME LAUGHS HAVE BEEN ASSOCIATED WITH THAT MOVIE

Horrible Bosses is down to number four and this movie is filled with solid comedy support starting with Jamie Foxx, proving that less of him is indeed more as Dean “Muthafucka” Jones who maybe gets the movie’s biggest laugh with a joke centering around the movie Trapped in Paradise.  It continues with small roles from seasoned stand-ups like Ron White and legends like Bob Newhart.  Julie Bowen also appears boosting her comedy resume, which is pretty much a lock now after Modern Family.

OH, BOTHER

Zookeeper is down to number six, followed by Cars 2 at number seven and Winnie The Pooh at number eight and having finally watched the trailer for this I’m kinda sorry I didn’t see it as it continues the “breaking the fourth wall” conceit of the Pooh cartoons where they literally run into the text of the books. I always loved that.

WELL I WOULD WRITE IT IF I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T KILL OR SUE ME

Bad Teacher is down to number nine and between Bridesmaids, Horrible Bosses and this movie crazy, foul-mouthed women are a gold mine at the onscreen.  This means if I just write a movie about the women in my life I could be rich this time next year.  You bitches know who you are.  And you’re damn right there’s going to lots of nudity because you’re also kinda slutty.

THE MORNING AFTER

Finally, Midnight in Paris holds at number ten and I never thought of it, but this is like an unofficial sequel to Wedding Crashers, but now the bloom is off the rose of the relationship between Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams.  She’s even part of a crazy right-wing family in this one too.

MY SO-CALLED LIFE THE NEXT GENERATION

I am old. I know this from the way my body breaks down on a daily basis, but I also get help from TV, especially when I try to watch MTV.   First there are no videos until 3:00 am and I don’t know anyone in them anyway.  Next was the Hard Times of RJ Berger, an entire show about a guy with a big dick. Seriously.  That was the premise.   He was a geek discovered to be well hung.  It was awful.  Finally, Awkward started this week and while much, much better I was thrown for a loop when the movie opened with the star losing her virginity pretty graphically complete with a moment where he slips out and she screams “Backdoor!” as he tries to re-enter. Seriously?  When I was a kid James at 15 had to have him suddenly become 16 so he could lose his virginity off camera, but now I’m watching a 15-year-old girl almost accidentally get sodomized during her deflowering.  While funny, the show ultimately disappoints because how much of an outcast can this conventionally attractive girl be, especially when we see the good-looking popular boys taking an interest in her?  She also has the solid support of likewise attractive friends. The only thing that breaks the mold here is that the evil mean head cheerleader is a bigger girl who is taking out her anger at her own body on the world.  Now as show about her would have been a bit more interesting.

INSERT YOUR REHAB JOKE HERE

Death clearly couldn’t wait for poor Amy Winehouse.  Sadly her death came as a surprise to absolutely no one and yes, she does join the “27 Club” of musicians who died at 27, going all the way back to Robert Johnson through Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones and Jim Morrison.  As someone said, 27 is either when you meet maturity or Darwin.

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