HARRY POTTER AND THE EVENTUAL DISAPPOINTMENT OF ADULTHOOD

18 Jul


1. Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows 2            Wknd/$169.6            Total/$168.6

2. Transformers 3/Paramount                             Wknd/$  21.3            Total/$302.8

3. Horrible Bosses/Warners                                 Wknd/$  17.6            Total/$  60.0

4. Zookeeper/Sony                                                  Wknd/$  12.3            Total/$  42.4

5. Cars 2/Disney                                                      Wknd/$   8.3             Total/$165.3

6. Winnie The Pooh/Disney                                  Wknd/$   8.0            Total/$    8.0

7. Bad Teacher/Sony                                               Wknd/$   5.2             Total/$  88.5

8. Larry Crowne/Universal                                    Wknd/$   2.6             Total/$  31.6

9. Super 8/Paramount                                            Wknd/$   1.9              Total/$ 122.2

10. Midnight in Paris                                               Wknd/$   1.9              Total/$   41.8

HARRY POTTER AND THE ANTI-CLIMAX

Harry Potter & The Deadly Hallows 2 opens at number one to no one’s surprise and because I made someone go see Transformers 3, she made me go to this.  Yes, I fared a bit better in that trade-off, but it’s like going to concert filled with devoted fans and not only have you never listened to the band’s music, but you have avoided it like the plague (that would be a Dave Matthews Band concert).  Sorry, but the whole Harry Potter thing just seemed a bit cultish to me, especially for what is ostensibly a children’s book.  You even have hack supreme Stephen King defending in from the encroachment of Twilight by declaring Harry Potter being about honor and courage and Twilight being about having a boyfriend.  And here I was under the impression that Harry Potter was about little kids going to a magic school.  Silly me.  Yes, I realize there’s a certain amount stone throwing in my glass house being a comic book fan, but at least I know what I read is silly, no matter what glimmers of actual art may slip through.  A self-awareness far too many Harry Potter (and Twilight) fans lack.  I forgive this in actual children, but anyone capable of drinking legally is fucking pathetic.  And this is coming from a man who wears superhero t-shirts to work.  The upside is I get to judge this film as just a film and as just a film there was nothing onscreen that motivated me to go back and see the others, much less read the books.  As with successful franchise films there’s a tendency to discourage too much artistry, so they hire only the barely competent directors to helm them, confident they won’t do anything to alienate the audience who just wants to see their beloved book transferred to the screen as accurately as possible.  Hence the first two films being done by Chris (Home Alone) Columbus and the last three by the workman, David Yates.  How Alfonso Cuaron and Mike Newell slipped in is beyond me, but notice they only did one each.  For a film about a final battle and showdown it’s remarkably lacking in drama, suspense and intensity.  I mean, I’m watching children die onscreen.  It should have more meaning than this.  That we know how it ends is immaterial, it’s the journey we’re here for and all I could think about this part of the journey knowing that blood orange frozen margaritas were coming after the movie was “Are we there yet?”

HOW THE EVIL OF MICHAEL BAY CONTINUES TO HURT ME

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon is down to number two and also in this is none other than McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey which is actually good for him as in one fell swoop the movies he’s been in have made more money than any other cast member from Gray’s Anatomy (take that, Katherine Hegl).  Also, he’s planning on leaving the show, so what better way to start establishing yourself onscreen than by appearing in a gigantic franchise, playing out of character (he’s a villain)?  But this is bad for me because he wants to play Dr. Strange onscreen and I’m just not having it, but just as Chris Evans won the Captain America role because he’s better known, he’ll probably get it.  Sigh.

AMERICAN OUTLAWS 2 ANYONE?

Horrible Bosses is down to number three and this is another step in Colin Farrell’s career rehab after being anointed “the next big thing” almost a decade ago then flaming out in empty, big budget vehicles while getting drunk and boning everything in sight.  Simply put: he had the best life ever!  The first step was doing smaller films like the critically acclaimed In Bruges, one of Woody Allen’s dull dramas (Cassandra’s Dream) and even an unbilled supporting role for Jeff Bridges’ Oscar-winning turn in Crazy Heart.  Now it’s back to the big leagues, but still supporting and playing counter to type, like the under-utilized fat, balding coke fiend here.  Next up he’ll be playing an actually evil vampire in the remake of Fright Night.  I figure he’ll be back to starring in empty big-budget movies by the end of 2012.  I’d joke and say “S.W.A.T. 2” but they actually did make a sequel to that fucking thing.

EYES ON THE PRIZE

Zookeeper is down to number four and I can forgive Rosario Dawson for this because I know she’s going to use the money from this to do indie work—where she’ll hopefully be naked.

SOMEWHERE MATCHBOX AND HOT WHEELS ARE PISSED. OFF.

Cars 2 is down to number five and this has made $287M worldwide—which would be more impressive if it hadn’t cost $200M to make.  But this wasn’t made because the first one was that successful either. It was made because the first one made a billion dollars in toy sales, so buckle your seat belts, because that probably means a Cars 3 as selling toy cars is already a lock, much less with a $200M commercial.

HE WAS HERE AND QUEER BEFORE ANYBODY

Poor Winnie The Pooh.  It’s a different world my friend than the one you knew, one filled with soulless computer animation, not the hand-drawn style that made you a star, which is why you’re opening up at number six.  And honestly, what the fuck is with trying to butch up Christopher Robin?  That name alone guarantees he’s going to be gay, so give him back his little shoes with the big shiny buckle and his short pants.  Let him be out and proud!

IT’S WHAT SELLS PORN SO YOU KNOW IT’S RIGHT

Bad Teacher is down to number seven and it’s scary how successful this is.  $20M with an $88M return and god only knows why.  Wait. We do know why. It’s the same reason Horrible Bosses is doing well: we like watching women talk dirty and be bitches.  Bridesmaids had it, but Cameron Diaz’s earlier effort, The Sweetest Thing only had the dirty talk with none of the bitchery.  Look for a deluge of these types of film next year.  I know I’m working on my screenplay right now.

THE GREATER GOOD WAS AT STAKE

Larry Crowne is down to number eight and I forgot to mention that Tom Hanks both wrote and directed this turd.  It’s a shame because I so love That Thing You Do.  It deserved better, but if it failing meant Tom Hanks was kept from writing and directing for decade, then that’s what the world needed.  Oh, and to make matters worse, this was co-written by Nia Vardalos who inflicted My Big Fat Greek Wedding on the world via Tom Hanks’ production company.  Justice was done twice by it flopping.

WINNING, DUH.

Super 8 is down to number nine followed by Midnight In Paris actually re-entering the top ten at number ten showing you just how much people really didn’t give a crap about Green Lantern which is down to number fucking 12.

THE REAL THING

James Arness passed away, which was quite a shock to all of us who thought he’d died years ago.  While best known for the two decades he played Marshall Dillon on Gunsmoke, as a geek he was best known to me as the monster in the original, best version of The Thing.  Fuck John Carpenter and his special effects overkill remake.  Also passing is Sherwood Schwartz the man who permanently stamped American culture of the late 20th century by creating not just Gilligan’s Island, but The Brady Bunch, and the lead singer of The Grass Roots, Rob Grill.

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