PAYING THE COST TO BE THE BOSS

11 Jul

1. Transformers 3/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 47.0              Total/$261.0

2. Horrible Bosses/Warners                            Wknd/$  28.0            Total/$  28.0

3. Zookeeper/Sony                                             Wknd/$  21.0            Total/$  21.0

4. Cars 2/Disney                                                 Wknd/$ 15.0              Total/$148.0

5. Bad Teacher/Sony                                         Wknd/$   9.0              Total/$  78.8

6. Larry Crowne/Universal                              Wknd/$   6.3               Total/$  26.5

7. Super 8/Paramount                                      Wknd/$   4.8               Total/$ 118.1

8. Monte Carlo/Fox                                           Wknd/$   3.8               Total/$   16.1

9. Green Lantern/Warners                              Wknd/$   3.1                 Total/$109.7

10. Mr. Popper’s Penguins/Fox                       Wknd/$   2.9                Total/$  57.7

ACTUALLY ALL THEIR MOVIES SHOULD BE CALLED SUCKER PUNCH

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon holds at number one and it takes a particular type of “talent” to make giant robots fighting while laying waste to Chicago boring, but Michael Bay has it in spades.  Seriously, it’s no wonder that Michael Bay and Zack Synder both went to the same school because they both have this same preoccupation with style over substance to the point where even the style itself lacks appeal.  Synder showed us earlier this year  how boring he could make hot chicks in schoolgirl uniforms fighting giant samurai and dragons boring and now Bay has a giant robotic snake take out a tower in downtown Chicago to yawns. Now I’ll be the first to admit to admit that the first Transformers movie is a guilty pleasure, but like too many directors, once he achieved a certain amount of success he was given a deadly amount of freedom, which resulted in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen being like stabbed in the eyes and ears for two hours.  This is more of the same.  Clearly the lessons claimed to have been learned from the revilement of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen were not taken to heart as this essentially remakes it.  Some appearance of the Transformers in earth’s past is being used by the bad robots in a plan to take over the earth.  Which honestly was kinda the plot of the first.  But it doesn’t matter.  It clearly didn’t matter to Bay so why should it matter to you?  What matter is that is goes on for. fucking. ever.  Bad is bad enough, but two-and-a-half hours of bad is something else altogether.  And in this near three-hour ordeal are all the hallmarks of a Michael Bay movie, from the crass product placement to the equally crass placement of young actresses in overly tight skirts and high heels in background of almost every scene no matter where, to the prime Bay characteristic of characters being needlessly antagonistic in every situation.  Basically, assholes.  That Shia LeBeouf is an asshole goes without saying.  I think “douche” is just his basic acting setting.  But so is everyone else and for no reason whatsoever.  And honestly it’s like this in every Bay movie all the way back to Bad Boys where both Martin Lawrence and Will Smith were assholes.  So on top of everything else, you’re trapped in a theater with assholes usually yelling at each other for almost two hours.  Somewhere Megan Fox should be smiling to be free of this mess.  I don’t care if she’s doing porn where she’s gangbanged by midgets dressed as Mexican wrestlers.  She’s better off.

A WORK HANGOVER

Horrible Bosses opens at number two and this is one of those movies where the weak script is saved by the talent as it’s the chemistry between Jason Sudekis, Jason Bateman and Charlie Day and their non-stop jabbering that carries this film as only one boss is truly fun and horrible and that’s Kevin Spacey, dusting off his old Swimming With Sharks routine.  Jennifer Anniston attracted most of attention when it was learned she’d be playing an “R-rated” character, but because it’s Jennifer Anniston it’s as mediocre as usual.  Aside from a few dirty words, neither she nor the script goes where it needs to go (scenes that were clearly meant to be nude scenes are not) with her as a sexual psychotic harassing Charlie Day, because as the movie points out more than once, having a hot boss who wants to fuck you really doesn’t compare to one who openly delights in your pain because she clearly doesn’t warrant death for what she wants to do.  This is essentially for the black humor to work.  In fact, the funniest part about it is actually the reason he can’t quit and work for another dentist, being listed as a sex offender because he urinated in a children’s playground at midnight.  It’d have been better if her attentions were because she actually thought he was an actual sexual deviant and actually endorsed the idea of his pedophilia.  Likewise Colin Farrell as boorish, cokehead son who takes over the business Jason Sudekis loves.  His entire “horrible” routine is pretty much in the trailer as he really doesn’t do much to actually bother Jason Sudekis the way Jason Bateman is tortured or even Charlie Day is harassed.  He’s not looking to cause pain to others so much as he’s just selfishly looking for pleasure for himself.  Not to mention one phone call and he’s busted for coke possession.  Even in a silly movie like this it makes no sense why they need to kill him when he can simply be arrested.  And if he just wants money to party, why would he even come in?  He’d just have Sudekis run the place while he collects the money.  But as I said, this movie isn’t about the actual plot as much as it is just an excuse to get the trio into trouble and that’s where the laughs are generated.  That this comes from the team that wrote The Hangover makes perfect sense because you’ve got your cartoon character, your straight man and believe it or not Sudekis plays the ladykiller, which is clearly the Bradley Cooper role. I get the feeling this was an abandoned script that was supposed to reunite the trio outside of a sequel.

“IF I COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS/THEY’D BEG NOT TO BE IN THIS SHIT FILM…”

Zookeeper opens at number three and it’s not the talking animals that makes this turd of a movie a fantasy, but the fact that Kevin James gets to choose between Rosario Dawson and Leslie Bibb (best known as the reporter Robert Downey Jr sleeps with in Iron Man).  Yeah, I know his entire career is built on King of Queens were he was a fat dude married to a hot babe, but it never stops being ridiculous.  And the movie looks simply awful.  Dr. Dolittle hasn’t survived this long because it’s not an interesting idea, but this somehow found a way to make it as unappealing as possible.  And seriously, TGI Fridays?  Did Applebee’s think this was to demeaning for them?  Olive Garden?  And being a family film is no excuse unless you think kids are complete and utter morons.

WE’RE SORRY. PLEASE COME BACK NEXT SUMMER.

Cars 2 is down to number four an Pixar wasted no time in releasing a teaser trailer for the film Courageous, letting people know there was clearly a better film coming to make up for this massive whore-turd they’ve dropped on the world.  They might as well have released a statement reading, “We know this sucks even more that the first one, but it’s a recession and it sold a shit load of toys which will pay for this upcoming clearly superior work.”

HEY, I’D PUT JAILHOUSE ROCK UP AGAINST THE SOCIAL NETWORK ANY DAY!

Bad Teacher is down to number five and thanks to a low budget this is an uncontested hit for both all concerned, including Justin Timberlake who needs it as he is clearly not letting this acting thing go, but has yet to actually carry a film as the lead.  The films where he’s actually done so have gone straight to DVD despite one where Jeff Bridges plays his dad!  You know how much that had to have sucked.  But I personally think it’s an insult to Elvis who made his entire “blue-eye-soul” career possible by not making at least one musical.

BOSOM BUDDIES THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER

Larry Crowne is down to number six and there are no two people who personify the success of mediocrity moreso than Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks and this looks like the most formulaic, uneventful movie ever made.  It’s such a cliché it doesn’t have one good-natured supportive negro, but two.  My only curiosity about this what crappy Top Forty song did they use during the inevitable montage sequence?  The only saving grace is that Tom Hanks continues to give Peter Scolari film work.  Kip & Henry 4-ever!

YOUR DATED ANNETTE FUNICELLO REFERENCE HERE

Super 8 is down to number seven followed by Monte Carlo at number eight and the entire existence of Selena Gomez is so separate from my existence she might as well be the biggest star from a foreign country.  A foreign country called “youth.”  And apparently the inhabitants of youth weren’t well-represented this weekend, but given this is actually just one big commercial for the DVD which her fans will probably buy, it’s not a failure just yet, though its looking pretty sparse for these last few classes of Disney school graduates.  Vanessa Hudgens can’t buy a hit no matter how many pictures of her labia she releases.

JUST LIKE DUDE TO FAIL AND TAKE A MORE QUALIFIED CHICK DOWN WITH HIM

Speaking of failed attempts at success involving self-released nude photos, Green Lantern is tanking majorly, barely breaking $100M domestic and only a third of that overseas.  It won’t even make budget theatrically, so Blake Lively showed the world her goodies for nothing.  Oh, come on. You know it was her.  Why the hell else would they be released only weeks before the film’s opening?  Personally, I thought she’d hold out for a Scorsese film (which, by the way, is probably the main reason she’s boning Leonardo DiCaprio).  While I don’t care that much not being a Green Lantern fan and thinking any movie that casts her as a test pilot deserves to fail, it’s not good for any chance of Wonder Woman ever getting her own film.  But don’t think I don’t like Blake Lively, because I do. Hell, the best part of this movie is when she’s in a tight skirt and heels revealing a little more thickness than you’d expect from a skinny blonde white girl, but middle-aged directors should think less with their dicks and stop casting her and Scarlett Johansson to play full grown women.

THE END, THANK GOD

Finally Mr. Popper’s Penguins closes out the top ten at number ten and Jim Carrey has saved you a seat at the bar, Kevin James.

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One Response to “PAYING THE COST TO BE THE BOSS”

  1. Monkeyrash July 11, 2011 at 2:25 am #

    Re: Transformers: You forgot about Josh Duhmel in uniform. Worth every cent of that $15.

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