GREEN TAMBOURINE DIDN’T SOUND AS IMPRESSIVE

20 Jun

1. Green Lantern/Warners                                    Wknd/$ 52.7            Total/$  52.7

2. Super 8/Paramount                                          Wknd/$ 21.3             Total/$  72.8

3. Mr. Popper’s Penguins/Fox                            Wknd/$ 18.2              Total/$  18.2

4. X-Men: First Class/Fox                                    Wknd/$ 11.5              Total/$119.9

5. The Hangover Pt. II/Warners                         Wknd/$   9.6              Total/$232.7

6. Kung Fu Panda 2/Dreamworks                      Wknd/$   8.7              Total/$143.3

7. Bridesmaids/Universal                                     Wknd/$   7.5              Total/$136.8

8. Pirates of the Caribbean 4/Touch                  Wknd/$   6.2              Total/$220.3

9. Midnight In Paris                                              Wknd/$   5.2               Total/$   21.8

10. Judy Moody/Relativity                                    Wknd/$   2.2               Total/$   11.2

LIGHTS OUT

Green Lantern opens at number one and thanks to a horrible marketing campaign and ugly art design I went into this with zero level expectations and managed to come out with a not totally miserable experience. It’s not a good movie to be sure, but it’s not more than your typical big, budget over-produced and underwritten summer action movie.  Because the trailer and commercials are awful you wouldn’t know that Green Lanterns are basically space cops (themselves a rip off a science fiction novel called Lensmen) who are chosen for not having fear. Now imagine if Maverick from Top Gun was chosen and you have this movie. They even give him the same issues (daddy and death of someone in jet) that he’ll need to overcome in the end.  And because it’s just as poorly written as Top Gun, people have to actually say these things aloud for both him and the audience.  It has to be explained to him (and you, dumb audience that you are) time and time again that he has courage, was chosen for a reason, blah, blah, blah.  And who as to explain it to him? Blake Lively, who symbolizes all that’s wrong with this movie. Don’t get me wrong. I like Blake Lively. I may like her too much given she’s like a 5th of my age, but in this movie she’s not only supposed to be Ryan Reynolds’ age, but an experienced test pilot as well.  Yeah, you heard me. Gossip Girl Test Pilot.  That’s right up there with Nicole Kidman as a 26-year-old neurosurgeon in Days of Thunder. This kind of casting says one of two things: 1) the makers of the film didn’t respect the audience saying, “Oh, just stick someone young and pretty in there. They won’t care.” or 2) the don’t respect the material they’re spending $200M on saying, “Oh, just stick someone young and pretty in there. It’s just a comic book movie.”  Now, the most common culprit is the studio and it makes sense they’d want to use the female role to get someone young in there for that demographic, not believing that role mattered, but given it was the director, Martin Campbell, who in a very George Lucas manner chose to CGI everything in sight starting with the costume, I’m gonna blame him.  I cannot believe the idea to take something that would be a few hundred dollars, tops and make it CGI, which potentially cost millions ever left the discussion stage.  It’s so mind staggeringly wrongheaded you cannot believe it was done.  I mean, this is Gus Van Sant deciding to do a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho level of “Why didn’t anyone just say ‘No’?” stupidity.  And it doesn’t stop there.  The entire alien world of the Green Lantern Corps is also CGI, so add his costume to that and for at least half the film Ryan Reynolds looks like his disembodied head is floating through a Pixar film.  To think a Wonder Woman movie was passed over for this.

BLONDES HAVE MORE ROLES

Super 8 is down to number two and the blonde girl love interest in this is none other then a Fanning sister.  Elle to be precise and they are truly a family of the whitest, blondest most ethereal people ever.  They look like Amish ghosts. But she’s not the only blonder sister here, as AJ Michalka, sister of that girl from the now-canceled cheerleader show is also present…playing someone’s sister.

LAUGHTER IS HIS DRUG AND YOU’RE NOT GIVING IT TO HIM

Mr. Popper’s Penguins opens at number three and I have to ask why?  Yes, I know this is based off a children’s book, but still, why?  Is it that famous and successful a children’s book?  And given the penguins in question are all CGI, was this really a better idea than simply making an animated film, sparing us all Jim Carrey’s slow, painful, over-mugging downfall. I’ve never been a fan of Carrey and his career success has mystified me for years.  That desperate need to get a laugh simply isn’t funny and is borderline creepy as if he’s going to kill you for not smiling at his antics.

JUST AVOID THAT VANITY FAIR COVER, HONEY.

X-Men First Class is down to number four and you should know by now that Wolverine makes an appearance and so does Rebecca Romijn as Mystique briefly takes on her eventual adult appearance.  Mystique here is played by the “Hot New Thing” Jennifer Lawrence who pretty much became an overnight success with Winter’s Bone.  And by overnight I mean she was a child actor who spent two years as the hot daughter on The Bill Engvall Show, which will probably be to her what Growing Pains is to Leonardo DiCaprio.

WE’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, BABE. NOW PUT ON THIS THONG.

The Hangover Part II is down to number five, followed by Kung Fu Panda 2 at number six and Bridesmaids at number seven and somewhere poor Carla Gallo is pissed.  She’s been in nearly every Judd Apatow produced film in some sexually humiliating role (Steve Carell kicks her in the face in 40 Year Old Virgin; she’s one of Jason Segel’s weird conquests in Forgetting Sarah Marshall; she dry humps period blood on Jonah Hill in Superbad and fucks him with a dildo in Get Him To The Greek (glad to see she’s putting that theater degree from Cornell to good use), but after years of this what movie is she not in?  The one that’s actually about women that’s already given two of the supporting women their own upcoming films.  Well, at least she’s still got her role as the young girlfriend of Scott Bakula on Men of A Certain Age (when not playing a porn star on Californication), but you know Apatow’s not getting a Christmas card this year.

EVEN THE DEVIL WAS IMPRESSED BY THIS TRICK

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is down to number eight and I have to give it up to Johnny Depp for the bullshit con he’s run on the world of being some kind of “rebel” when he went from a hit teen show to making mainstream special effects filled movies for major studios with big directors. When the indie film scene exploded in the late 80’s he wasn’t off in Montana working for next to nothing on a film whose budget couldn’t pay my rent.  No, he was making shit like The Ninth Gate, The Astronaut’s Wife and Nick of Time.  And his biggest success? Based on a Disney theme park ride. And he keeps making crummy sequels to it. Just what about this is so maverick and cool that every little shithead actor says the same thing: “I want a career just like Johnny Depp’s. He does what wants.”  Yeah, make money the safest way possible.  The only difference between Nicholas Cage and Johnny Depp is that Cage is legitimately weird and never pretended not to be a big whore.

THE END

Midnight In Paris is down to number nine with Judy Moody and The Not Bummer Summer closing out the top ten at number ten.

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