SUCKER IS THE RIGHT WORD FOR IT

28 Mar

1. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2/Fox                        Wknd/$  24.4            Total/$  24.4

2. Sucker Punch/Warners                                    Wknd/$  19.0            Total/$  19.0

3. Limitless/Relativity                                    Wknd/$  15.2            Total/$  41.3

4. The Lincoln Lawyer/LGF                        Wknd/$  11.0                        Total/$  29.0

5. Rango/Paramount                                    Wknd/$    9.8            Total/$106.4

6. Battle: LA Sony                                                Wknd/$    7.6            Total/$  72.6

7.  Paul/Universal                                                Wknd/$    7.5            Total/$  24.6

8. Red Riding Hood/Warners                        Wknd/$    4.3            Total/$  32.5

9. The Adjustment Bureau/Universal            Wknd/$    4.2            Total/$  54.9

10. Mars Needs Moms/Disney                        Wknd/$    2.2            Total/$  19.2

THE CURSE OF SELF-FULFILLING MOVIE TITLE

America renews my faith in it by having Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules open at number one over Sucker Punch at number two.  Sucker Punch is awful and not simply because it’s clearly the fantasy of a chronically masturbating video gamer (which may be redundant), but because it’s boring.  I won’t pretend the sight of Emily Browning with her puffy lips in a schoolgirl outfit with pigtails doesn’t have an effect on me. It does. It’s why porn exists.  But this is what makes the failure even greater.  A hot girl in a schoolgirl outfit with a samurai sword and a .45 fighting a dragon, WWI German zombies, orcs, robots and a giant samurai with a machine gun should have yielded the ultimate in a fun movie experience.  Instead I was fighting sleep.  Now, I’m no stranger to loving crap, so the bar is set pretty low.  Ultraviolet is a bad movie with an inappropriately dressed heroine and a ton of CGI, but the opening action scenes are nothing but a good time and are not boring.  This is dull and when movies that are about nothing but action are boring you have nothing else to do put pick apart all the other problems and there’s no shortage of them here.  Clearly Zack Synder fell asleep one night watching Brazil with a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in his lap to come up with this idea of a young girl who once forced into a mental institution by her lecherous stepfather (after she accidentally kills her younger sister while trying to stop him from raping them both) retreats into a fantasy world where she plots a means of escape before being given a lobotomy.  Of course both these fantasy worlds involve her either being a scantily clad hooker or a schoolgirl clad uber-warrior.  There are so many problems and issues with this all I don’t know where to start, beginning with the simple fact if she tells anyone from the cops to the doctors “He was trying to rape us and that’s how I accidentially shot my sister” the movie’s over, to the fact that the girls are so ill-defined as characters they might as well be called Hot Asian One, Hot Black One, Hot Sisters and Hot Lips. You know nothing about them and could care less, which also cripples the action sequences because you have no investment in their survival.  His device of switching between the two fantasy worlds where their either whores in a bordello or a fighting team falters because he forgets to ever show up the real world and where any of these delusions apply.  I’m sure it’s just a coincidence the one level he doesn’t show is the one where they’re fully clothed.  It then shoots itself in the head with a further attempt to emulate Brazil with the ending, where you learn even more things that make the previous two hours completely impossible and the ending utterly ridiculous.  And this idiot is in charge of Superman.

YOU’D THINK TOM CRUISE WOULD HAVE PICKED HER OVER KATIE HOLMES

Limitless is down to number three and also in this is Abbie Cornish who’s also in Sucker Punch giving her two films in the top ten and making us once again ask why all Australian actresses look like Nicole Kidman?  Seriously, Naomi Watts looks like her and so does Abbie Cornish.  Or maybe they have the same plastic surgeon and dentist so they all get the same look…or maybe, just maybe, there’s a mad scientist in Australia who’s gonna keep making them until Australia is overrun by tall, thin pretty women with a lot of forehead.

MCCONUGHEY JEALOUSLY GUARDED HIS HAIR SECRETS ON-SET

The Lincoln Lawyer actually holds at number two showing there’s an audience for this and it may have legs of some sort.  Also in this is none other than Josh Lucas who was little more than Matthew McConughey 2.0.  He had a brief moment of heat after Sweet Home Alabama.  Then Stealth took it all away…  But believe it or not they’re not here playing brothers, which is a casting misfire.  At least Winona Ryder was metaphoric version of Natalie Portman in The Black Swan.  This only interests me if they’re playing opposite versions of one another, like Lucas is the D.A. so you get this kind of “dueling twang” thing going on in the courtroom.  “Y’all, he’s innocent.”   “Y’all, he’s guilty.” It’s a charm-off!

GEEKS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOU THINK

Rango is down to number five and while $180 worldwide sounds good, it’s not that impressive when you realize this cost $135M to make.  Takes a lot of computer code to make lizard talk it seems.

AND REMEMBER, DEBBIE REYNOLDS OUTLIVED ELIZABETH TAYLOR

Battle: Los Angeles is down to number six and also in this is Bridget Moynahan who needs to hang out with Jennifer Anniston so they can talk about the living hell of constantly seeing your ex and the more attractive and successful bitch he left you for in the news daily.  Though honestly, I think she’s prettier than Gisele.

THE PROBLEM WITH ACTUAL GEEKS MAKING MOVIES ABOUT GEEKS

Paul is down to number seven and I’m sure there’s a joke about Sigourney Weaver in another movie about an alien, but it’s just not funny.  It’s just lazy.

STORY, SCHMORY. IT’S ALL ABOUT SAYING “FROM THE DIRECTOR OF TWILIGHT…”

Red Riding Hood is down to number eight and this might have done better if they’d actually told people what the plot was in the trailer or commercials, which is the town regularly sacrifices people to the werewolf but now he specifically wants her or it’s going to keep killing townspeople beyond the sacrifice.  I still won’t see this, but that’s a helluva lot more interesting movie than I thought it was before.

UPSIDE: HE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SCI-FI CONVENTION WORK

The Adjustment Bureau is down to number nine and I finally figured out who Terrence Stamp has become: the new Roddy McDowell.  He’s an older English guy seemingly in everything science fiction related, either big (this) or small (he’s the voice of Jor-El on Smallville).

SCHADENFREUDE, BITCHEZ!

Finally, Mars Needs Moms closes out the top ten at number ten and I can’t dance on the grave of this enough.  I’m sorry for Berkely Breathed, but maybe the next time he sells the rights to something he’ll maintain some kind of creative control.

DEATH’S A-LIST

Well Death wasn’t kidding around this week.  First Elizabeth Taylor then Geraldine Ferrao.  No more Coreys or bassists from a rock band.  It’s people who seriously freaking made an impact.  And somewhere Mickey Rooney sighs heavily about the deal he made with the Devil for his youthful success and the promise of a “long life.”

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