SIGNS OF THE INVASION ON INDEPENDENCE DAY

14 Mar

1. Battle: LA Sony                                                Wknd/$  36.0    Total/$  36.0

2. Rango/Parmount                                    Wknd/$  23.1            Total/$  68.7

3. Red Riding Hood/Warners                        Wknd/$  14.1        Total/$  14.1

4. The Adjustment Bureau/Universal           Wknd/$  11.5       Total/$  38.5

5. Mars Needs Moms/Disney                        Wknd/$   6.8          Total/$   6.8

6. Hall Pass/Warners                                    Wknd/$    5.1            Total/$  34.9

7. Beastly/CBS                                                Wknd/$   5.1             Total/$  17.0

8. Just Go with It/Sony                                    Wknd/$    4.0        Total/$  94.0 9

9. The King’s Speech/Weinstein                        Wknd/$    3.6     Total/$129.1

10. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney                        Wknd/$    3.5       Total/$  89.0

DON’T THEY WANT OUR WOMEN ANY MORE?

Battle: Los Angeles opens at number one and while I enjoyed this, it could easily be called “Marines vs. The Alien Invaders” so completely and utterly clichéd it is.  Don’t get me wrong. There’s a reason we keep using these stock characters and situations: when done properly, they work very well.  But would have killed them to at least try to do slightly original with them?  But I guess if you don’t try you can’t fail and they don’t fail in making an entertaining science fiction action movie (though truth be told you could replace the aliens with Nazis and LA with Paris and you’ve got the same movie).  We start out with, a 20-year marine about to retire after a tragedy in his last tour; a marine visiting the grave of his brother (gee, think they’re connected?), a young lieutenant with a baby on the way, a kid who signed up at 17 and is a virgin, another Marine out preparing for his wedding with his best friend helping out and into their lives comes a mysterious meteor shower headed to Earth.  Of course the retiring marine gets assigned to the unit containing the young lieutenant, the virgin, the bridegroom and the brother of the solider he lost.  Of course they get the assignment to go rescue civilians, which includes beautiful vet, Bridgette Moynihan and her niece (not her daughter, because the paternal bonding has to occur between our 20-year vet and a little boy). Of course there are heroic sacrifices, surprise deaths that are actually clichés in themselves because the “Oh, He’s Not Going Do Die” death has also been done to death.  In addition heroic rallying speeches and the heroes saving the day in a way that only they can because everyone else in the world took stupid pills that morning.  There’s not one ounce of “wink nod” irony in anything they do which is odd given the film is clearly self-aware of being an science fiction action movie, the biggest moment being the reason the aliens have come which appears to be a flat-out middle finger to Signs.   They should have quit while they were ahead, because it’s not smarter than Signs for it, only a different kind of stupid.  They just could have left it at the aliens invaded us “just because.”  I didn’t come for reasons. I came to see aliens being blown the fuck up and this gives me just that.

DOES ANYTHING TRAUMATIZE KIDS LIKE A KID’S FILM?

Rango is down to number two and the “Spirit of the West” which looks and sounds a lot like Clint Eastwood is voiced by none other than Timothy Olyphant.  He and Johnny Depp are the flip side of to the coin of  falling stars who do shitty animated films for money and people who are clearly on top doing it for the fun of it.  This is a wink and a nod to his current success as basically a modern day gunfighter on Justified.  But again, no kid in the audience gets that joke (much less the appearance of Hunter S. Thompson).  Joining them here are Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Stephen Root, Harry Dean Stanton and Ray Winstone.  And to his credit and that of the animators, Bill Nighy as Rattlesnake Jake (Based on Lee Van Cleef in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) actually scared me so I can’t imagine what it did to kids.

SO THE SEQUEL IS THE THREE LITTLE PIGS?

Red Riding Hood opens at number three and I had to give this teen gothic adaptation of the classic fairy tale a pass.  I was a little curious, but ultimately sleep seemed more appealing.  Maybe an “R” rating with the promise of some actual blood and sex could have gotten me in, but not a PG-13.  Not to mention, didn’t Neil Jordan do this already in A Company of Wolves?  But who would have thought that the dumb blonde from Mean Girls would have a career while Lindsay Lohan floundered?  Just say no to drugs, kids.

WHAT SATURDAY NIGHTS ON THE SCI-FI CHANNEL ARE MADE OF

The Adjustment Bureau is down to number four and though I thought it was impossible, I actually seem to care less this week.  This is yet another movie based on the work of Philip K. Dick.  Other movies include Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly, Paycheck, Imposter and Screamers.  Yeah, mostly bad movies with big stars (Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzanegger, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck) and big directors (Ridley Scott, Steven Speilberg, John WooA).

OPUS THE MOVIE NEEDS TO HAPPEN

Mars Needs Moms opens at number five and this is based on a book by the creator of Bloom County, Berke Breathed.  Now, given his distinct artistic style and the fact you’re using animation, why on fucking earth would you not only not follow it to try and make it look like real people but use soulless motion capture?  Oh, yeah.  “Directed by Robert Zemeckis.”  That explains everything.

AND YOU THOUGHT ZAC EFRON HAD IT BAD

Hall Pass is down to number six followed by Beastly at number seven and as Beauty in this is Vanessa Hudgens and as the witch who curses him is…Mary Kate-Olsen?  Is this where kid stars go to die?  Well, at least she was able to provide her own wardrobe.

CRASH INTO OBSCURITY

Just Go With It is down to number eight and also hidden in the cast is Dave Matthews as Nicole Kidman’s husband.  Now he deserves to be in a movie like this and if nothing else it prevents him from making more of that noise he calls music.  It was the music of douchebags before the word became ubiquitous and if auto-tune, Ke$sha and Katy Perry mean less of him then more power to them all.

THE END

The King’s Speech is down to number nine, followed by the blight known as Gnomeo and Juliet closing out the top ten at number ten.

I’M THINKING DOING IT MAKES YOU A TWIT

Yes, I’m Tweeting. I don’t see the point, but I am because the minutia of my life is clearly fascinating.  But the upside you get to follow others. Now, anyone can follow Charlie Sheen, but I choose to follow Denise Richards and Bree Olsen (one of the porn stars he’s shacked up with).  Ironically, they both talk about puppies and what’s happening in Japan…that is when Bree Olsen isn’t sharing her disturbed sexual fantasies about falling asleep on a beach and waking up to being raped (now you understand why she’s with Charlie Sheen).  I also follow William Shatner and this attractive blonde physicist I met at this year’s Oscar party. I figure the physicist alone clears me to follow at least two more porn stars, because what she tweets is in English but it might as well be Vulcan so far is it from my understanding.  It gets even crazier when other physicists respond.  I like to think they’re talking about time travel.

BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE FOR A PURPOSE

While Mickey Rooney testifies before Congress on elder abuse and prays the trip alone will kill him, Death remains in California and takes Jane Russell.

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One Response to “SIGNS OF THE INVASION ON INDEPENDENCE DAY”

  1. Turafish March 14, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    Welcome to wordpress sonny. Is it safe to assume you’ll be adding another blog site next week in your attempt to take over cyberspace?

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